especially when you're smothering me...

Burp! Excuse me, too much crystal light lemonade... anyways, what's going on in the world of those who actually read this? I was just informed Ted Kennedy has passed on after the other Kennedy died a few weeks ago who started the Special Olympics. Sad days for that family.

Anyways, I am home from the shore now. Couldn't sleep my first day back in my apartment and now I'm typing away at almost 2am. I am peeling big time, but applying lotion every hour on the hour... black Sunday... that's what's playing on my computer from my external hard drive...

Anyways, today I thought of something so cool... I want an asylum named after me... like, she was so crazy they named an asylum after her! LoL. Or because of the research I did or something like that. I just think it would be cool to have something named after me. the Winterbottom Asylum. Has a nice ring to it.

Anyways, one of my friends is really depressed and it's cos of this guy she broke up with. She blames herself, when I think he is the one being selfish. He just wants to be single again. That's it. End of story. He wants to be friends with her probably because he wants to be friends with benefits. She should cut him off. Completely. Especially talking to his coworker. That just interferes more. She shouldn't let him know any intimate details of her life. And she shouldn't give up. There are so many other guys out there that are better than Jake. I mean come on, he works a shitty job that he complains about and is obsessed w/ video games. Can you spell LOSER? And she says people are sick of hearing her complain about him, well of course they are. You shouldn't get so depressed over rejection. I learned that in Dialectical Behavior Therapy. You shouldn't get suicidal because someone doesn't want you in their life anymore. It's hard, but I've been through it numerous times after longer and much more intense relationships and I had to just cut the cord and say goodbye. Yeah, I miss Justin. But I have to move on. He was bringing me down, and Jake is bringing down my friend. Telling her she needs to get help for alcoholism when his problem with alcohol is 10x worse. He lives to go to the bar and drink. And I know he didn't like me, but you know what? I don't give a shit what a Loser thinks of me. Or his roommate. His roommate has herpes. YUM. Gimme some of that. Anyways, I love my friend to death and hate seeing her like this. But you gotta get over people. They never turn out the way you want them to. That's why I am being so cautious right now. I am not throwing my all into anything. I made a mistake a week after Justin and I broke up and I'm disgusted with myself for doing what I did, but it's over and done with, and I'll never see that guy again.

My blue dress... black dove, black dove, you're not a helicopter, you're not a cop out either honey black dove...

Sunburn sucks. Peeling sucks. Sweating and peeling sucks too. It looks gross... and i'm all about image, lol. Today at Curves on the Smart program I got all greens so I worked every muscle to it's maximum capacity. It was hard, but worth it... I wasn't sure I was gonna make it, but I did. Then I did sets of 100 biceps curls, hammer curls, triceps dips, and then 50 lateral raises, but next time I'm gonna do them till I fail. I really want to fatigue my muscles majorly. I need to get into the LaCrest gym. Andrew is telling me to take Yoga. So I'll give it another shot. =) Anyways, I'm done writing for now. Goodnight internet.
-Laura

when love is lost all i hear are gunshots over me...

Now that I understand this right
Let me take it to the mind
This revolution
(has just begun)
Has just begun
Now that I understand this right
Let me take it to the mike
This revolution
(has just begun)
Has just begun
Now that youve got it right

So I'm down the shore for the week... I got sunburnt on Saturday but not that bad... it hurt a little bit but today I made it worse by not wearing sunblock... i thought i was safe cos i didnt go out onto the beach till like 230... but it hurts like hell... and is gonna exhaust me... maybe tomorrow ill put on like spf 80 or something, lol...
Anyways, those lyrics above are from Tricky's Evolution Revolution Love... thank you Joseph Rose for getting me to download this album so many months ago... Blowback... it's sooooo good... I just started listening to it more... I like it a lot...

I've been sleeping in pretty much everyday... I only have 3 more days on the beach so I'll still go down tomorrow... I've been going in the ocean everyday... theyre digging up part of the beach near me where they are trying to make it bigger...

Anyways, I got an A in my Social Psychology class so EAT THAT! April Bradley and Brant Himes... seriously, how can EVERY SINGLE FUCKING WORD be in your own words? Most teachers understand that, but not them. Although I'm kinda nervous about this assignment I turned in for my class I'm in now. I put no citations in. It was all from the internet. Maybe I should have put citations in. Probably. I'll probably lose points for that. Oh well. I have to start working on my paper. I just want to get some sources together.

So, I'm seriously in pain right now and it hurts to bend my arm, so I think I'm gonna wrap this up. Go Phils! I hope they win their division. I think they will.

Oh, last night we went to my favorite restaurant and the chicken parmesan I ordered tasted like shit... it honestly tasted like how cows smell. Not good. It was foul. I should have sent it back, but I've never done that before and I didn't want to do that in front of my cousins too. So, blah...
Hopefully tonight's dinner will be better, although I'll probably just get a salad and soup. I'll see though.
-Laura =^-^=

French fingertips, red lips bitch is dangerous

I'm bored, so I'm going to write... maybe I should go back to short story writing... I don't have any real ideas in my head right now though... I'm listening to Pandora... Britney Spears radio... hey, she deserved a debut on here from me... besides, her poster on my ceiling is coming down soon. Actually I have quite a few pics of her on my ceiling. And I want them all intact when they come down.
Tonight I took down a bunch of pictures off my walls. I just couldn't get to the ones that were up high to take them down, but I told my Mom I want the guy to take them down and just roll them up. Especially the autographed one. That's irreplaceable. It's the blue spaghetti poster for those of you who remember the days of the LAS *Llama Appreciation Society* and numerous websites, including mine, dedicated to the chair. I miss those days. "when we were innocent..." Damn, my innocence is gone... Sometimes I wonder if I ever really was innocent. Starting smoking and drinking at 14. Drugs at 15. Now i'm clean of everything, but still. Crazy times. Fun times though. SOme good memories. SOme really bad memories.
So I got up today and went to my apartment and took stuff back and then I came back here and worked out to a DVD I brought over from my apartment. I'm gonna do another set of shoulders. I'm really working on my upper body. I'll hit Curves on Monday hopefully. Although Elizabeth's mom wants to meet up on Monday to go to the cemetery. I thought of going there today by myself. I'm handling it much better than I thought I would. I guess it's b/c I have so much on my plate right now. School, I'm interested in someone and hope it goes somewhere *you know who you are*, living on my own. Lots of positive changes this year. No longer with an addict. That stress is gone from my life. That itself was pulling me down completely. Tomorrow it will be 2 weeks since I last talked to Justin. I have no intentions of calling him. If he calls me I'll talk to him, but that's about it. He lost all his friends basically, but I want to still be there for him in some ways, but no longer sexually. I have too much respect for this new guy *again, you know who you are* to fool around with Justin on the side. Even though when me and J were broken up last year I hooked up w/ 3 other guys, no 4... I dont know... it doesn't matter... right now, I just have enough respect, shit wait no it was 5... hahahaha... and if you don't like it then lalalalalalala... anyways, i'm not hooking up w/ anyone else cos I don't want to fuck up anything...
So I'm really nervous about handing in this paper that is due on Monday. I tried getting help through this writing center program and I was hoping I could get it put through safe assign to look for plagiarism in case I did it by accident. After what happened with my last class, I don't want to have to deal with that all over again. I think my teacher likes me. SHe finally got her doctorate and is so happy. I am happy for her and for my brother.
My Dad told me last night that I'm going to be getting my brother back. I'm wondering how many people in the family he has hurt. I wonder if he has even talked to my Aunt, his godmother since he got married. I doubt he has. And I know he hasn't spoken to my godmother. She points it out sometimes to me. She's gonna be kinda hard to get back in good hands with. Although when I apologized to her for something that upset her she forgave me right away. I don't really remember what happened but I was in the wrong, so I figured I'd apologize. And she accepted it.
I need to bleach my hair again. My roots are sooooo fucking bad, and I know it's cos of the cheap hairdye I use. Next week I'm gonna buy a bleaching kit. Like the powder and the liquid stuff. I believe last time I used Herbal Essences, but I will look around this week for bleaching kits. I did just dye it, but my roots a totally different color then the rest of my hair. And it just looks bad. It's like 3 different shades of blonde. LoL. Maybe in the fall I'll try a darker hue. Who knows? I have some red that is kinda dark that I could possibly try. But right now I want to be blonde.
I'm annoyed, theyre showing previews for Criss Angel's new show that I won't be able to see because I don't have cable yet. I need to get it soon because Supernatural is going to be on soon and I'm dying to see the premiere of the season.
ANyways, I'm hoping He signs on soon. I'm kinda tired tonight. And in my book Something Blue this bitch who got pregnant w/ one of her groomsmen is so fucking full of herself. I am going to have a hard time finding any sympathy for her throughout the book. I may finish it before I go to the shore. But I have some other books I can take down with me. Including Candace Bushnell's latest. I also want to start in on the Shopaholic series. And all of that author's books. I heard theyre funny, so I wanna read them. And maybe another book by Anna Maxted. =)
Anyways, I'm done writing for now. I didn't know this song was by Rihanna. I like it... Please don't stop the music.
-Laura

You're breaking all the rules...

Hey there... I have a headache from eating too much froyo... but i figured this could use an update...

Um... well, i've been sleeping a lot... i've been spending the night at my parent's the past few nights because they're in Florida visitng my brother and supposedly my brother is going to mend things with me... I hope so b/c I cried to my therapist about how worried I am about him and shit like that... it's not fair that he has to deal with the Poli family's nastiness and I knew all along that it would eventually happen, but I didn't realize so soon... I just hope he finishes his degree and I know he will and then he'll be a rich man...

I'm working on a paper that's taking me longer than usual. I hate that... I like writing papers at the last minute ya know? It's just a lot of work. And I'm trying to keep my GPA above 3.5 at least... it was about 3.7... I'm sure I could get it back up to that...

My next class is a computer class... there's a lot of writing involved, so hopefully I'll get that done and be okay with that... then I have Statistics... which as I've said before I'm not looking forward to at all...

I'm listening to random music on Pandora... it's called Playboy Mommy Radio cos I wanted to hear that song, but they didn't play it, they played a different Tori song... oh well... random music can be fun... Okay I'm done writing for now... I still have a headache... maybe it's the music... who knows... and i started my christmas shopping today... I bought a book for my aunt... I'll probably buy her coffee or decaf green tea too...
Gnite
-Laura =^-^=

they, they betray, i'm your only true friend now

So my psychiatrist was an asshole to me today because my Mom had me bringing him forms to fill in... he made me cry... i didn't even get to talk to him today about anything that's been going on... about the horrendous sleeping problem, and when I told him I don't think I'm bipolar he says that's what I used as my reason for getting a certain thing I won't mention... he like threw it back in my face... like, why are you this then? I hate it when people take their displaced anger out on me...

AND THEN: I check my google mail and find that I was found guilty of plagiarism. I got some stupid long speech on how to write papers and how serious plagiarism is and that it can go on my academic record. So I'm praying this paper I'm writing now doesn't come back as plagiarized. Most of it is in my own words. A few sentences here and there that couldn't really be changed are in there.
I wrote a nasty letter back to the guy saying FINALLY I hear something and that I don't think that he and the other two teachers involved *If you want to call them that- they taught me nothing- seriously, what do online "teachers" really teach? I do all the work on my own. I teach myself* and that the other two involved don't seem to realize sometimes same sentences have to be used. It's a thin line, that they made even thinner.

As you can probably tell I'm pissed off, and I'm wi*DELETED*-- I don't want to get kicked out of the University for my thoughts right now. NO MORE TEARS.
Not a good day. Started good. But now is sucking. But talking to Dan will hopefully make me feel better. Sad but true is on right now. I've been hungry all day but haven't been able to eat.
-Laura

Today is the day... isnt that a band?

Anyways, today is the day I finally see my psych. I worked out for the first time today, gonna work out to a DVD in my living room a little bit later. I have to go to my parent's after my psych apptment and then do some research for this paper I'm working on.
Anyways, I've been able to sleep the past few nights. I really think it has something to do w/ the caffeine content in my day. When I drink caffeine it seems I can't sleep. And it's caffeine in tea. So I'm trying to limit it to no caffeine after 4-5 pm... I've been falling asleep really easily lately. The day I posted last I took 75 mg's of Elavil and I slept the entire day until 8pm... That's craziness... I hate when I do that... I like this going to bed and waking up around 1030-11am... I wanna try and start waking up by 930-10am... so like an hour's difference... I'll work on it... Thursday I gotta be up earlier to maybe go work out at Curves and then to go to my parent's house then to the dentist... my parent's are going to Florida to visit my brother... so I am taking care of the house from Thursday-Sunday evening. Thursday night I'm going to see Orphan with a new guy. I hope it works out, cos yes, he is my crush. =)

As for that, Matt has been throwing what this guy called a "temper tantrum". I never should have slept with him. Ever since then he has been super clingy to me. He plays games and he even went to the ER for Insomnia. It's like hellllllllllllllo... you're the one who makes people on Medicaid look bad. Nicole was seriously pissed off about it. I got pissed off too. I told him he was acting like a baby going to the ER for stupid things. It's b/c he's bored cos his Daddy took away his internet connection at his apartment, so he has nothing to do when he wakes up or can't get to sleep in the middle of the night. It's like, do what I do, and read. He's not allowed to use my computer anymore, even down the shore, because he looked at porn on it, on my aircard! Pissed me off so much. But he thinks he can get mad at me for liking another guy. I've vented much of this frustration to other people, but still... he gets upset, when he's talking to other girls! But see, I don't give a rats ass about that, and I think it bothers him. I tried explaining real heartache to him. Heartache for me is hearing about Justin going out with other girls when we had just broken up a year ago. And then when we started sleeping together again back in November-December and he was talking to that Rachel chick who was 12 years his junior. I told her we were fucking and he got all pissed off at me and told me he wanted to stop seeing me. Him choosing a girl he barely knew over ME who had been there for him for 4 years. That's heartbreak for you. And you can't not want to know what's going on b/w them and you don't want to know at the same time. It makes you cry. I was so upset. But eventually, towards the end of our relationship a month and a half ago I learned how to stop crying over the things Justin does. True, when I talked to him after we had broken up, two weeks later, I threw up I was so upset. I couldn't believe it was over, and my realization that it was over is what made me vomit. He thought I was throwing up b/c he thought I was doing it to lose weight. I said no, i'm upset over you. I loved Justin so much and I hope I can love someone as much as I did with him. I loved him more than Sal. And I didn't think that was possible. If it doesn't work out with this guy, I'm just going to work on myself more. Lose the weight. I'm only going to weigh myself once a month and I'm gonna do that at home and at Curves. Breathe-Sweat-Walk, whatdya say? I'm listening to Pandora again. Weighing myself almost every other day was pissing me off.

Anyways, I've been reading like crazy lately. I finished 2 books I expected to read down the shore in 2 weeks. So I'm taking my time with this next one. It's a sequel to the one I just read. Something Borrowed. This one is called Something Blue. I already like it. Hmph... why can't I be going down the shore this coming week and not later? Oh well. And then I'm going to the Phillies game on the 30th. I can't fucking wait. I hope they're back in their winning streak.

anyways, I'm gonna finish cleaning the apartment and take the trash out... I may watch the notebook later cos I got it on DVD. And I have to get ready for my psych apptment.
-Laura