so I will go on until the end... say whatever you want, it really don't mean anything...

So I am in my new home right now just listening to music after getting a good night's sleep... I have been trying to update this like every day but I keep putting it off. So I finally am now. I am so happy in my new home and the fact that I am actually calling it "home" says a lot. I never felt like I was at home at Pleasant Grove... and on Olli's birthday on May 13, I am going to bring his ashes here so they are with me like they always needed to be. For four years I didn't live with them and now I feel like I finally can. I am so blessed to be able to live here. If I can figure out how to upload pictures from my phone onto my computer or onto blogger itself I will. I promise I will work on this. =)) But I will give a quick description: Right now I am sitting in my living room, was going to sit outside in my garden/alcove thing but it's still a bit chilly for that. But I am actually using my couch for now and I am very happy to be doing so because I really like this couch but I hated that fucking living room at PG. It's a very spacious living room and I still need an area rug and also a coffee table. Right now I am using a wooden folding table I got at Walmart for like $9 which was a pretty good deal. But I have a fireplace in here which I really honestly don't know how to use but the realtor or someone actually went over what I need to do to use it. But I don't like getting really really hot so for now I am not gonna use it. But anyways, so I have 4 windows downstairs and they overlook the garden/alcove. I am probably going to plant a tree this summer out in the garden. It will be nice. The dining room is across from where I am sitting right now and I purposely made it very sparse so it looks very formal. In the living room where I am sitting right now is my TV and sofa I just raved about it. I have my two chairs in here too and I just realized they match my dining room. I am going to take my little dustbuster and make sure there are no crumbs or anything on them. I want everything to be spotless. My OCD is coming out. I am doing little changes each day to make this place my own. I decorated the downstairs bathroom a little bit so that it is more my personal touches. So upstairs there are 2 bedrooms and a full bathroom with a washer dryer. I am in love with that machine! LOL. I use it almost every day because I like to have my full wardrobe as an option to look at to decide what to wear. HAHA. So in the spare bedroom I have my treadmill and my bookshelf and desk and I have a pretty large closet. In my main bedroom I have a walk in closet that I love already. This house is just wonderful and very cozy and like I said I am very blessed I get to live here. If I ever get my rebate money I am going to buy a new flatscreen TV for my living room. Although right now looking at my TV set up I kinda like it the way it is, so who knows? Maybe I will just take my parent's out for a fancy dinner or something instead. I need to call Home Instead *the place that I will probably be working for soon* today... All of my references checked out and I was going to do orientation this week, but it looks like I will be doing it next week instead. Thankfully I have been able to get up at reasonable hours this week here even when I haven't been able to sleep. I need some time to get used to my new surroundings I think in order to sleep really really well and easily. But I know it is always going to be a struggle to fall asleep. It's just the story of my life. But I have the muscle relaxer to help that. Thank god for muscle relaxers... nothing else works, and sometimes this doesn't even work. But at least the majority of the time it does. So I have war wounds from the move and shit. My right arm looks like I have been shooting up cos of it getting caught and bruised on boxes and shit... And that rash still hasn't gone away completely and it looks like it may have actually started up again to be honest so I am wondering if I ate or drank something that did it. It was supposedly stress before, and I think that is what started it up but I think now something else could be aggravating it. Who knows? I still need to see a dermatologist and I am going in the beginning of May to a specialist at the hospital and they are going to refer me to whoever they think I should see. But I am pretty worried they are going to say I am doomed for skin cancer. Which I say I probably am but honestly I haven't really accepted it yet. But they say caffeine can really stunt the growth of cancer, and I am a straight up caffeine junkie... so maybe that helps? People tell me to stop my caffeine addiction all the time because they think it will help me sleep better but I can drink a cup of coffee and fall right to sleep so I really don't know what it is doing. But if the benefits are to help me heal the longterm sun damage I did with the exposure to tanning beds and laying on the beach till I was practically black when I am naturally extremely fair, then fuck no am I going to stop drinking caffeine. Besides, I like the dietary effects. It really stunts eating. I also like that coffee has so few calories in it. I drink a lot of espresso too, it's not just coffee anymore. I was ordering coffee beverages everyday when I left the house and getting double shots of espresso but now I can just make it at home since I have the espresso ground already that I got from Giant. God bless Giant for offering that, and for also making such good french roast coffee. But it's not just coffee I drink, I have these crystal light energy packets that I use when I don't have time to quick drink a cup of coffee... they work wonders too. I am just not extremely thrilled about the flavor but when I get my money at the beginning of next month I will look for other flavors at the grocery store but I fear it is like orange. Yuck. But if I mix the strawberry with a bit of raspberry lemonade it's decent. HAHA. *Stacey or Chrissy- do you know who I just thought of when I said that word? DECENT. 15-16 years later and it still NEVER GETS OLD!* I want to thank you, my readers for actually reading this pathetic excuse for a blog. I am glad someone actually finds this interesting. I would like to read more blogs too so if you leave me a comment or just a link to your page, I will check it out. I will be honest, I am happy to be back using my laptop or netbook whatever the fuck it is. But I didn't use it from the day Matt was arrested till Sunday when I got internet here at the house. I just couldn't bring myself to for some reason. They didn't take it or anything and they didn't take my phone either although they were considering it. THANK FUCK... I would have been seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off. But anyways, I am avoiding the topic of Matt right now and I think for this entire post because I just am pissed off still and I feel like he is doing nothing to amend what he did but sit in jail. I told him the other night that what he is doing isn't good enough, and that I feel he is calling me and talking to me because he doesn't have a friend in the world. But seriously if he doesn't get help or even begin trying to get started on fixing his severe psychological issues, he is going to lose me entirely as well. I don't have time for people who want to wallow in a life of psychological problems. I didn't answer his 4 calls in 40 minutes last night because I honestly really just can't deal with it all sometimes. We all tried to get him help we did, and he wouldn't take it... and it was a thousand fucking times worse than we ever knew. So really, excuse me for not wanting to deal with it some days. Besides, I am blissfully happy with my new situation and living arrangements and I want to enjoy it thoroughly while I can. I am going to be selfish. I don't give a fuck what anyone says because I gave in to what everyone else wanted from me for most of my life. Finally, I am 31 and I am going to live my life my way because forever I did what others, who weren't doing shit for me, wanted me to. I don't need a little girl to live with me calling me selfish because I needed to get out of PG and live somewhere else. Was she on crack? Goddamn, it never would have worked out living with her and with what she said to me I would have kicked her out of my apartment after a day if she tried to pull this shit on me. RESPECT. All I want is respect, and because so many people have refused to give it to me, like Matt, well, I am sorry I am better off existing for myself and my family. My family has come to become the most important thing to me. I worked a long long LONG fucking time to have a good relationship with my family and I am not going to sacrifice that just because someone is STUCK in their own shit. Just, NO. Well, that was sort of exhausting to go on about because some people that were in my life were just exhausting to be around. But yeah, I am very happy to be close with my family now. Because at the end of the day, if you don't have your family, what do you have? So I think I am going to wrap this blog post up and add a makeup tip to my other blog. Thanks for reading and I will figure out a way to post pictures soon!

into the flood again, same old trip it was back then...

So I am down the shore for a few days just enjoying the quiet that is the weekends here for now... till it picks up next month. I couldn't really sleep, but what else is new? So I decided to get up. At first my anxiety was really bad, but now I am just tired, so it went away. I am making some eight oclock french roast coffee... wish I had some espresso. But I will probably hit Wawa for that later. I am listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora as usual. I really love that station. I am gonna go for a walk/run after breakfast or something... after I have had a healthy dose of caffeine, because right now I would just collapse probably after like only a mile, and I want to do 3. I was talking to my brother about how when you start out it is hard, but then you get into your flow and rhythmn and then it just is enjoyable. I forgot how much I enjoy working out, and since it helps lose weight, and shit like that, it's like I can eat. Instead of starving myself and being miserable. I can't eat anything I want, but I can actually eat. I forgot how much more enjoyable the spring and summer months are because I can eat. Also, baseball is such a wonderful part of these seasons. I always miss it so much and am so happy when it comes back. I want to go to another game next month, but if not then, that June 1 definitely, in the suite. I don't think I will be sitting behind the dugout anytime soon. We don't know what is going to happen with Matt yet. I told him I will be his friend. That's the best I can do. I don't know what else to tell him. He told me on Tuesday that he was kinda upset with what I told him when we talked on the phone last week, but then when I talked to him again, he said he understood that he needs to hear the truth. And I told him I want to get past this with him, and that if I didn't, I just wouldn't talk to him anymore. I know he needs some sort of hope. I think he deserves that much. But I haven't hurt myself on purpose since the day he was taken away. I just needed to stop doing that. It had gotten to a bad point, so I stopped. It wasn't helping the situation at all. *I have a great view of the ocean right now and it's really pretty wavy... I wonder if it is windy or something...* There was something else about Matt I wanted to say but it flew right out of my head like thoughts do all the time... fleeting... I hate that. Damn it, I really can't remember. Anyways, so I didn't notice till just now that they are working on repairing the dunes down here. When I go out for my hour I will check it out more. But there was a guy walking on the part they are fixing and I thought he looks weird. He looked so much bigger than he should have, but he was walking on the pile of sand. HA! I was seriously like WTF? Pandora stopped on my Dad's computer so I don't have music right now, but I may put it on on my phone. I thought I had more to write about but I really don't. You can follow me on twitter.com/me0wmixalot if you want... it's the place where I get to chat about the Phillies with a bunch of fun people. Phillies should sweep this series with the Marlins. Go Phillies! Thanks for reading!

oh darling darling darling...but I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled...

So, we went to the Phillies home opener... and I somehow made it there with my car... my car is in the shop now... I am gonna need a new one, so I probably will try and get one by the end of the year... I would like a Honda Pilot... but anyways, the Phillies lost the home opener... I sorta knew they would. I had some hope when they scored runs early, but the problem this year seems to be the fact that they can't hold a lead... it sucks... oh well... I am using a lot of ellipses here, I want to try and stop. HA! But they won the second home game, it was pretty awesome to watch. I love me some Kevin Frandsen and he hit the walk off to end the game in the bottom of the ninth. I don't count them down and out yet, because it is only April and they always struggle in April. I am worried about Doc though. He has something going on, and I think it's a mental thing, cos it sure isn't a physical thing. When your mental health ain't right, then that fucks up everything. I hope he gets better. But they told me in the hospital last year that he attempted suicide at one point in his career because of the stress and how he was doing. I would hate for him to go through that again. Watching him pitch and struggle is really really REALLY hard on me. I have never met that man but I look at him as like a father figure. He helped this team through so much and I don't want people booing him. He is trying his hardest. I just really hate seeing him struggle. It's rough. It's a dark time for Philly sports. Even the Flyers are almost down and out for the season... but it's cos of the fucking shortened season. Stupid stupid NHL and their lockout. Retarded. The lady at the job place I applied to last week just got my references yesterday because I didn't really know who to ask for professional since I haven't worked in so long. But she has been calling everybody today. So that is a good sign. I only want to work like 10-15 hours for now. I think I could handle that, and it will give me some extra money for some good things I want, but I really plan on saving money, so that I don't have to work my ass off at like Christmas time and shit. You know how it is. *with my feet upon the ground I lose myself...-- Lateralus, TOOL* Writing in my blog reminds me of how Carrie Bradshaw writes in her column in Sex and the City and what soon will happen in one of my new favorite shows The Carrie Diaries... I am trying not to be pissed off that it is one of the reasons 9O21O was canceled. I watch the other reason it was canceled too... it's called The Following... it is incredible and I swear to god the guy who plays the serial killer in it is soooooo effin hot. Why am I attracted to guys with severe mental problems or addicts? I don't get it. Like you can tell me a guy has an addiction to some drug or alcohol and he becomes like a million times more attractive to me. I DUNNO... haha, say that like Eddie in Christmas Vacation says it. Matt would laugh at that with me. Matt looks pretty good. Better than I expected. He has lost like 30 pounds. I knew he would. He is gonna be a stunner. Haha. I always told him he had the potential to be that, and he actually likes me, so maybe someday things will be different. Maybe I won't be wandering around looking at another guy... *Cos I threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back, a name in your recollection, down among a million saved...* If I am physically attracted to someone I am loyal. I can see myself being loyal to Matt entirely. But would he be loyal to me? He has a wandering eye as well, but I personally think it's cos of the way we understood the relationship. He needs to get through his time in jail though. He really needs to get help for his addiction. He has an addiction to internet porn. It is weird, I know. But I also think it all stems from psychological distress that happened when he was a kid. I am trying to study this stuff as much as I possibly can without going to school. But school never made me really think deeply about shit unless it was when I was an English major. Thank you to my English professors at Widener for teaching me how to look into things. Without that I would have never learned how to really delve in Psychology. Because Psychology teachers really just want to give you facts. They don't want you to really get deep into shit. Although when you do talk about that kind of stuff they think it is amazing. You should expect that of everyone though. It is psychology you know? It is thinking about lots of things. This blog is going by a lot easier than I thought it would. I didn't think I had much to write about, but once I start flowing, I can go. Ha! McDonald's has any sized iced coffee for $1. So I added 2 shots of espresso to it, and now I am wired. I just don't want to crash. I am used to the Saxbys espresso and yeah, I usually do crash from that... but it takes about 6 hours before that happens. I am going to visit Matt in a few hours, so I decided not to go up to the apartment to pack today. I am almost done though. Next is the kitchen, then odds and ends. I figure I will need like 3-4 boxes for the kitchen cos it's mostly the shit in the cabinets and I can't exactly pack the freezer and fridge stuff yet. I will take that the day I move. Yaaaaay Nutshell is on. This is like my new favorite Alice In Chains song. I am constantly listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora. The anniversary of Layne's death passed. 11 years. April 5th. But no one knew he was dead for like 2 weeks. I think of that. He was like 80 lbs when they found him. Just awful. His music really is incredible. I wish I had seen them when I was in high school like I had wanted to. But since I didn't drive till I was 17 and didn't have a car till I was 18 I really couldn't go into Philly. And my parent's always made it seem like going into Philly was a hassle. It really isn't. I mean, I went into Philly for the home opener *If I can't find my own, I'd be better dead...* in my piece of shit car and it was having so many problems, yet I still made it. Yeah parking is a bitch, but if you can fucking move and walk you're fine. I walk so much every single day and run too. Today I think I am going to take the day off. But if you're in shape and shit walking is really not a problem. Which reminds me, I am going to do the NAMI walk... National Alliance for Mental Illness... It is at Montgomery County Community College... I am going to be on Sherri's team... I think I should let her know that. I am also going to volunteer up there tomorrow, if I have my car back... if not, maybe my Mom can give me a ride... *i sold my soul to make a record dipshit and then you bought one...if i'm the fuckin man then you're the fuckin man as well so you can point that fuckin finger up your ass...* I like to keep busy and do something everyday so I am tired, and then I collapse on the couch when I get home at night, haha... I am setting up the cable in my new home for upstairs and downstairs because I want to make sure I can get the music choice stations upstairs and downstairs... I have a fireplace which someday I am going to modernize and make into an electric one because right now I have no clue how to work a regular one... but someday I will use it... for now it will remain unused... I don't like how hot fireplaces make houses though anyway... I am warm blooded or something and always hot or warm, and like never cold, so I really don't need it. I have a dining room which is pretty nice... I would like to get a new tablecloth for my kitchen table... I would like a blue and white checkered one... My mom has one so maybe I will ask her if I can borrow or have it... I think it would look pretty spiffy... anyways, I am getting carried away talking about random shit, so I think I will wrap this up... just one other thing... so I think I am going to start writing a makeup blog... I may start that right now, just set it up and shizzle... maybe I can get some more readers, although this is more like a journal for people who know me to read and keep up on what is going on with me. My real REAL journal is in my handbag... it's a tiny blue book where I write random shit and thoughts and lyrics down... it helps me keep myself mentally clear. Anyways, thanks for reading!

when will you wake up? I want you more than the stars and the sun...

I had this song in my head when I woke up and now as I was trying to sleep I had it in my head again. I have been having a lot of dreams about that guy that I had to kinda was forced to end things with. But I am hopeful that maybe someday something will happen again, but right now he needs to get his shit together... Anyways, I saw Matt today at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility. He looked a lot better than I expected him to look. He had just gotten a hair cut and had shaved and he has lost at least 20 lbs. He said 10 in his letter, but it's gotta be at least 20 by now. I am not happy with how they are treating him, but he hasn't been complaining about that at all. I think he feels he deserves it. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Especially from assholes that just work there. And most of the idiots working these facilities are the scum of the earth. He doesn't need this kind of shit. Matt has been an underdog his whole life. He deserves something to go right. And yes, I understand what he did was horribly wrong, but he is in the wrong place. He needs to be in a mental health facility. He needs help and deserves to get help. His family and me and my family all deserve to see him get better as well. But yeah we got to talk a little about baseball. I miss him so much and just shooting the shit with him about baseball. I am gonna delete the app that blocked his number and see if I can redownload it without it adding the number back on to block. I shot my love today... would you cry for me? I lost my head again... would you lie for me? This song came on Pandora. I started a new account for my Dad on his computer. I just can't bring myself to use my computer yet. I haven't opened it since all this shit went down on February 21. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It's for an elder care agency. If I get into it, I do. If I don't, I don't. No harm no foul. I will still have my disability money. And I can always calls the OVR. They are supposed to help with this stuff. It's funny when I was laying in bed trying to sleep I had a million thoughts flying in my head and now that I am sitting here writing, I am having trouble trying to remember them. Ain't nobody got time for that! I am moving into the Gwynedd Club in a few weeks. My Dad hasn't told me a settlement date yet. But we told Kyle this morning that I am going to be out of Pleasant Grove by May 1. I plan on going up there to pack again in the next few days. I just gotta do the closet in the living room hallway and the kitchen mostly. I need to clear off my vanity too. I also need to pack my shit up that is here, but I will do that when I am ready to start living at my new home. Home. What a beautiful word. Haha. Most of the time I think that word and think of tripping. I forget why we always called it coming home... I haven't tripped in like 10 years and I don't plan on doing it ever again unless someone like spikes my drink with Nyquil or something, but I think I would notice that. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a fun brunch with my parent's, my Aunt Alice and my Aunt Carol and Uncle Warren. Everyone was drinking at breakfast and I really have a fun time when my parent's are lit. They are oblivious that they are and that they are so loosened up. They just get so much friendlier. I wonder if I was like that. Too bad I couldn't control my drinking. It doesn't bother me when other people drink at all. Some people get so upset when people are shit face wasted, but I really don't care. As long as you're not driving somewhere and you don't try to get me to drink, that's your business. But I also don't want shit for doing what I enjoy fun and relaxing that would be considered unsober. I respect you, you respect me. Kapish? Is that how you spell that? Haha. I don't even know. Aw, I love this fucking song so much. Nutshell by Alice in Chains. "We chase misprinted lies We face the path of time And yet I fight And yet I fight This battle all alone No one to cry to No place to call home My gift of self is raped My privacy is raked And yet I find And yet I find Repeating in my head If I can't be my own I'd feel better dead " Sorry for the depressing lyrics, but like Kurt Cobain says in his final message to world: "Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel... pain." No matter how happy and good I feel, I am still so sad and lonely and depressed. And when I come down from a particularly good time in my head I have a nasty spill. It's just bad. But I try to cope. I try not to get into too dark and deep a hole where I can't dig myself out. But sometimes you just gotta cry. I haven't hurt myself in a little over a month. I am trying really hard not to. Almost did last night, and well, I kinda did, but because it wasn't the normal method for me I don't count it. Maybe I am just in denial. Who knows? Maybe I am just in denial about everything. Maybe my life is one big denial. Deny deny deny. Maybe I am not as good and feeling as great as I say I am and that's why I do half the shit I do, but hey listen... if I am getting by and getting shit done day by day and not living in my bed and actually am out there, then it's gotta be better than it has been in the past, right? I really didn't even want to work on my resume today. I just wanted to lay in bed. I got done a lot of shit tho even tho I didn't really put much effort into that. Then my Mom was pushing me into doing some other thing to help my mental health and it's like, I don't want to be nonstop going. Going from nothing to nonstop activity is not my life's goal. 10 hours a week with work is good enough for me. I need to move ya know? That's gonna take time. I want to enjoy doing stuff at my new home, and I want to read read read. And I want to cook and learn new recipes and shit. I want to just be. No, I don't have Matt right now *in the physical sense* but I am not completely lost. Will I be going to as many Phillies games this year? Probably not. But I am going to go to a few at least. I will have a pool to hang around on the weekend. I want to see my family more, because family has become so important to me. I want to do stuff. But I don't want to be up at the buttcrack of dawn or 900am everyday. I like to sleep in because I can't fall asleep most nights. Like tonight... it's almost 2am. I went to bed at 11pm and couldn't fall asleep so I decided to write a blog after tossing and turning for 2 hours. I still wonder and try to figure out every single day what happened to me that caused me not to be able to sleep. To have such an issue. It just doesn't make sense. I think tonight is going to be one of those completely sleepless nights which is unfortunate since I have to go to the job interview, but oh well. I also think it's funny how so many people tell me to stay away from caffeine... today I didn't have any and today is the day I can't fall asleep. I bought a coffee coolatta with a shot of espresso but I didn't drink any of it. Maybe if I drink it now... haha. Anyways, so I am thinking of making an appointment with a dermatologist for the sun damage on my face and to make sure I don't have any skin cancers anywhere on my body that I don't see. I am pleased with my Philosophy Hope in a Jar cream because it really has helped with the exfoliation is does and makes my skin appear smoother. I also am using an Anew by Avon facewash that works really well with the Hope in a Jar. I got the Smashbox CC Cream that they just came out with last week. Well, at the stores that is. Sephora stores. It was available online but it wasn't in stores yet to clue you in to what I am talking about. It works a lot like a foundation. I am happy for that because I can use it more for that this summer, but I really would like a simple tinted moisturizer that will cover, but I don't think I can get away with just that anymore. =(( We will see how my skin looks when I am tan. I don't need a lot of foundation. Like, I don't need to cake it on to get good coverage. But it still isn't a quick 5 minute face. I try to narrow down how long I take on my face since I iron my hair everyday. I redyed my hair yesterday but it's not like bleach blonde. It's a darker shade of blonde. Looks really natural and I get so many compliments on this color. I am gonna leave it go too till I am out in the sun and I am getting sunbleach highlights. Then I don't need to do anything to it at all. *Down you go, suffer long, down you go, sin make me strong--love this song too*... Anyways, I don't really know what else I feel like writing about, so I think I am gonna go grab my coolatta outta the fridge and drink that and read some magazines. To both of you, if you ever read this: I miss you. You both are better than this. Get better. *muah* Thanks for reading. PS- the Phillies season started tonight. They lost their first game. With Hamels on the mound. Oh well. They scored runs for them, so they are at least playing well. Ryan Howard fucked up of course, but hey, he's in midseason form with that. Go Phillies! I am seeing them on Friday at the home opener with KK pitching. Me and Matt's Buddy. Haha. Joy!