so I will go on until the end... say whatever you want, it really don't mean anything...

So I am in my new home right now just listening to music after getting a good night's sleep... I have been trying to update this like every day but I keep putting it off. So I finally am now. I am so happy in my new home and the fact that I am actually calling it "home" says a lot. I never felt like I was at home at Pleasant Grove... and on Olli's birthday on May 13, I am going to bring his ashes here so they are with me like they always needed to be. For four years I didn't live with them and now I feel like I finally can. I am so blessed to be able to live here. If I can figure out how to upload pictures from my phone onto my computer or onto blogger itself I will. I promise I will work on this. =)) But I will give a quick description: Right now I am sitting in my living room, was going to sit outside in my garden/alcove thing but it's still a bit chilly for that. But I am actually using my couch for now and I am very happy to be doing so because I really like this couch but I hated that fucking living room at PG. It's a very spacious living room and I still need an area rug and also a coffee table. Right now I am using a wooden folding table I got at Walmart for like $9 which was a pretty good deal. But I have a fireplace in here which I really honestly don't know how to use but the realtor or someone actually went over what I need to do to use it. But I don't like getting really really hot so for now I am not gonna use it. But anyways, so I have 4 windows downstairs and they overlook the garden/alcove. I am probably going to plant a tree this summer out in the garden. It will be nice. The dining room is across from where I am sitting right now and I purposely made it very sparse so it looks very formal. In the living room where I am sitting right now is my TV and sofa I just raved about it. I have my two chairs in here too and I just realized they match my dining room. I am going to take my little dustbuster and make sure there are no crumbs or anything on them. I want everything to be spotless. My OCD is coming out. I am doing little changes each day to make this place my own. I decorated the downstairs bathroom a little bit so that it is more my personal touches. So upstairs there are 2 bedrooms and a full bathroom with a washer dryer. I am in love with that machine! LOL. I use it almost every day because I like to have my full wardrobe as an option to look at to decide what to wear. HAHA. So in the spare bedroom I have my treadmill and my bookshelf and desk and I have a pretty large closet. In my main bedroom I have a walk in closet that I love already. This house is just wonderful and very cozy and like I said I am very blessed I get to live here. If I ever get my rebate money I am going to buy a new flatscreen TV for my living room. Although right now looking at my TV set up I kinda like it the way it is, so who knows? Maybe I will just take my parent's out for a fancy dinner or something instead. I need to call Home Instead *the place that I will probably be working for soon* today... All of my references checked out and I was going to do orientation this week, but it looks like I will be doing it next week instead. Thankfully I have been able to get up at reasonable hours this week here even when I haven't been able to sleep. I need some time to get used to my new surroundings I think in order to sleep really really well and easily. But I know it is always going to be a struggle to fall asleep. It's just the story of my life. But I have the muscle relaxer to help that. Thank god for muscle relaxers... nothing else works, and sometimes this doesn't even work. But at least the majority of the time it does. So I have war wounds from the move and shit. My right arm looks like I have been shooting up cos of it getting caught and bruised on boxes and shit... And that rash still hasn't gone away completely and it looks like it may have actually started up again to be honest so I am wondering if I ate or drank something that did it. It was supposedly stress before, and I think that is what started it up but I think now something else could be aggravating it. Who knows? I still need to see a dermatologist and I am going in the beginning of May to a specialist at the hospital and they are going to refer me to whoever they think I should see. But I am pretty worried they are going to say I am doomed for skin cancer. Which I say I probably am but honestly I haven't really accepted it yet. But they say caffeine can really stunt the growth of cancer, and I am a straight up caffeine junkie... so maybe that helps? People tell me to stop my caffeine addiction all the time because they think it will help me sleep better but I can drink a cup of coffee and fall right to sleep so I really don't know what it is doing. But if the benefits are to help me heal the longterm sun damage I did with the exposure to tanning beds and laying on the beach till I was practically black when I am naturally extremely fair, then fuck no am I going to stop drinking caffeine. Besides, I like the dietary effects. It really stunts eating. I also like that coffee has so few calories in it. I drink a lot of espresso too, it's not just coffee anymore. I was ordering coffee beverages everyday when I left the house and getting double shots of espresso but now I can just make it at home since I have the espresso ground already that I got from Giant. God bless Giant for offering that, and for also making such good french roast coffee. But it's not just coffee I drink, I have these crystal light energy packets that I use when I don't have time to quick drink a cup of coffee... they work wonders too. I am just not extremely thrilled about the flavor but when I get my money at the beginning of next month I will look for other flavors at the grocery store but I fear it is like orange. Yuck. But if I mix the strawberry with a bit of raspberry lemonade it's decent. HAHA. *Stacey or Chrissy- do you know who I just thought of when I said that word? DECENT. 15-16 years later and it still NEVER GETS OLD!* I want to thank you, my readers for actually reading this pathetic excuse for a blog. I am glad someone actually finds this interesting. I would like to read more blogs too so if you leave me a comment or just a link to your page, I will check it out. I will be honest, I am happy to be back using my laptop or netbook whatever the fuck it is. But I didn't use it from the day Matt was arrested till Sunday when I got internet here at the house. I just couldn't bring myself to for some reason. They didn't take it or anything and they didn't take my phone either although they were considering it. THANK FUCK... I would have been seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off. But anyways, I am avoiding the topic of Matt right now and I think for this entire post because I just am pissed off still and I feel like he is doing nothing to amend what he did but sit in jail. I told him the other night that what he is doing isn't good enough, and that I feel he is calling me and talking to me because he doesn't have a friend in the world. But seriously if he doesn't get help or even begin trying to get started on fixing his severe psychological issues, he is going to lose me entirely as well. I don't have time for people who want to wallow in a life of psychological problems. I didn't answer his 4 calls in 40 minutes last night because I honestly really just can't deal with it all sometimes. We all tried to get him help we did, and he wouldn't take it... and it was a thousand fucking times worse than we ever knew. So really, excuse me for not wanting to deal with it some days. Besides, I am blissfully happy with my new situation and living arrangements and I want to enjoy it thoroughly while I can. I am going to be selfish. I don't give a fuck what anyone says because I gave in to what everyone else wanted from me for most of my life. Finally, I am 31 and I am going to live my life my way because forever I did what others, who weren't doing shit for me, wanted me to. I don't need a little girl to live with me calling me selfish because I needed to get out of PG and live somewhere else. Was she on crack? Goddamn, it never would have worked out living with her and with what she said to me I would have kicked her out of my apartment after a day if she tried to pull this shit on me. RESPECT. All I want is respect, and because so many people have refused to give it to me, like Matt, well, I am sorry I am better off existing for myself and my family. My family has come to become the most important thing to me. I worked a long long LONG fucking time to have a good relationship with my family and I am not going to sacrifice that just because someone is STUCK in their own shit. Just, NO. Well, that was sort of exhausting to go on about because some people that were in my life were just exhausting to be around. But yeah, I am very happy to be close with my family now. Because at the end of the day, if you don't have your family, what do you have? So I think I am going to wrap this blog post up and add a makeup tip to my other blog. Thanks for reading and I will figure out a way to post pictures soon!