oh darling darling darling...but I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled...

So, we went to the Phillies home opener... and I somehow made it there with my car... my car is in the shop now... I am gonna need a new one, so I probably will try and get one by the end of the year... I would like a Honda Pilot... but anyways, the Phillies lost the home opener... I sorta knew they would. I had some hope when they scored runs early, but the problem this year seems to be the fact that they can't hold a lead... it sucks... oh well... I am using a lot of ellipses here, I want to try and stop. HA! But they won the second home game, it was pretty awesome to watch. I love me some Kevin Frandsen and he hit the walk off to end the game in the bottom of the ninth. I don't count them down and out yet, because it is only April and they always struggle in April. I am worried about Doc though. He has something going on, and I think it's a mental thing, cos it sure isn't a physical thing. When your mental health ain't right, then that fucks up everything. I hope he gets better. But they told me in the hospital last year that he attempted suicide at one point in his career because of the stress and how he was doing. I would hate for him to go through that again. Watching him pitch and struggle is really really REALLY hard on me. I have never met that man but I look at him as like a father figure. He helped this team through so much and I don't want people booing him. He is trying his hardest. I just really hate seeing him struggle. It's rough. It's a dark time for Philly sports. Even the Flyers are almost down and out for the season... but it's cos of the fucking shortened season. Stupid stupid NHL and their lockout. Retarded. The lady at the job place I applied to last week just got my references yesterday because I didn't really know who to ask for professional since I haven't worked in so long. But she has been calling everybody today. So that is a good sign. I only want to work like 10-15 hours for now. I think I could handle that, and it will give me some extra money for some good things I want, but I really plan on saving money, so that I don't have to work my ass off at like Christmas time and shit. You know how it is. *with my feet upon the ground I lose myself...-- Lateralus, TOOL* Writing in my blog reminds me of how Carrie Bradshaw writes in her column in Sex and the City and what soon will happen in one of my new favorite shows The Carrie Diaries... I am trying not to be pissed off that it is one of the reasons 9O21O was canceled. I watch the other reason it was canceled too... it's called The Following... it is incredible and I swear to god the guy who plays the serial killer in it is soooooo effin hot. Why am I attracted to guys with severe mental problems or addicts? I don't get it. Like you can tell me a guy has an addiction to some drug or alcohol and he becomes like a million times more attractive to me. I DUNNO... haha, say that like Eddie in Christmas Vacation says it. Matt would laugh at that with me. Matt looks pretty good. Better than I expected. He has lost like 30 pounds. I knew he would. He is gonna be a stunner. Haha. I always told him he had the potential to be that, and he actually likes me, so maybe someday things will be different. Maybe I won't be wandering around looking at another guy... *Cos I threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back, a name in your recollection, down among a million saved...* If I am physically attracted to someone I am loyal. I can see myself being loyal to Matt entirely. But would he be loyal to me? He has a wandering eye as well, but I personally think it's cos of the way we understood the relationship. He needs to get through his time in jail though. He really needs to get help for his addiction. He has an addiction to internet porn. It is weird, I know. But I also think it all stems from psychological distress that happened when he was a kid. I am trying to study this stuff as much as I possibly can without going to school. But school never made me really think deeply about shit unless it was when I was an English major. Thank you to my English professors at Widener for teaching me how to look into things. Without that I would have never learned how to really delve in Psychology. Because Psychology teachers really just want to give you facts. They don't want you to really get deep into shit. Although when you do talk about that kind of stuff they think it is amazing. You should expect that of everyone though. It is psychology you know? It is thinking about lots of things. This blog is going by a lot easier than I thought it would. I didn't think I had much to write about, but once I start flowing, I can go. Ha! McDonald's has any sized iced coffee for $1. So I added 2 shots of espresso to it, and now I am wired. I just don't want to crash. I am used to the Saxbys espresso and yeah, I usually do crash from that... but it takes about 6 hours before that happens. I am going to visit Matt in a few hours, so I decided not to go up to the apartment to pack today. I am almost done though. Next is the kitchen, then odds and ends. I figure I will need like 3-4 boxes for the kitchen cos it's mostly the shit in the cabinets and I can't exactly pack the freezer and fridge stuff yet. I will take that the day I move. Yaaaaay Nutshell is on. This is like my new favorite Alice In Chains song. I am constantly listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora. The anniversary of Layne's death passed. 11 years. April 5th. But no one knew he was dead for like 2 weeks. I think of that. He was like 80 lbs when they found him. Just awful. His music really is incredible. I wish I had seen them when I was in high school like I had wanted to. But since I didn't drive till I was 17 and didn't have a car till I was 18 I really couldn't go into Philly. And my parent's always made it seem like going into Philly was a hassle. It really isn't. I mean, I went into Philly for the home opener *If I can't find my own, I'd be better dead...* in my piece of shit car and it was having so many problems, yet I still made it. Yeah parking is a bitch, but if you can fucking move and walk you're fine. I walk so much every single day and run too. Today I think I am going to take the day off. But if you're in shape and shit walking is really not a problem. Which reminds me, I am going to do the NAMI walk... National Alliance for Mental Illness... It is at Montgomery County Community College... I am going to be on Sherri's team... I think I should let her know that. I am also going to volunteer up there tomorrow, if I have my car back... if not, maybe my Mom can give me a ride... *i sold my soul to make a record dipshit and then you bought one...if i'm the fuckin man then you're the fuckin man as well so you can point that fuckin finger up your ass...* I like to keep busy and do something everyday so I am tired, and then I collapse on the couch when I get home at night, haha... I am setting up the cable in my new home for upstairs and downstairs because I want to make sure I can get the music choice stations upstairs and downstairs... I have a fireplace which someday I am going to modernize and make into an electric one because right now I have no clue how to work a regular one... but someday I will use it... for now it will remain unused... I don't like how hot fireplaces make houses though anyway... I am warm blooded or something and always hot or warm, and like never cold, so I really don't need it. I have a dining room which is pretty nice... I would like to get a new tablecloth for my kitchen table... I would like a blue and white checkered one... My mom has one so maybe I will ask her if I can borrow or have it... I think it would look pretty spiffy... anyways, I am getting carried away talking about random shit, so I think I will wrap this up... just one other thing... so I think I am going to start writing a makeup blog... I may start that right now, just set it up and shizzle... maybe I can get some more readers, although this is more like a journal for people who know me to read and keep up on what is going on with me. My real REAL journal is in my handbag... it's a tiny blue book where I write random shit and thoughts and lyrics down... it helps me keep myself mentally clear. Anyways, thanks for reading!