when will you wake up? I want you more than the stars and the sun...

I had this song in my head when I woke up and now as I was trying to sleep I had it in my head again. I have been having a lot of dreams about that guy that I had to kinda was forced to end things with. But I am hopeful that maybe someday something will happen again, but right now he needs to get his shit together... Anyways, I saw Matt today at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility. He looked a lot better than I expected him to look. He had just gotten a hair cut and had shaved and he has lost at least 20 lbs. He said 10 in his letter, but it's gotta be at least 20 by now. I am not happy with how they are treating him, but he hasn't been complaining about that at all. I think he feels he deserves it. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Especially from assholes that just work there. And most of the idiots working these facilities are the scum of the earth. He doesn't need this kind of shit. Matt has been an underdog his whole life. He deserves something to go right. And yes, I understand what he did was horribly wrong, but he is in the wrong place. He needs to be in a mental health facility. He needs help and deserves to get help. His family and me and my family all deserve to see him get better as well. But yeah we got to talk a little about baseball. I miss him so much and just shooting the shit with him about baseball. I am gonna delete the app that blocked his number and see if I can redownload it without it adding the number back on to block. I shot my love today... would you cry for me? I lost my head again... would you lie for me? This song came on Pandora. I started a new account for my Dad on his computer. I just can't bring myself to use my computer yet. I haven't opened it since all this shit went down on February 21. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It's for an elder care agency. If I get into it, I do. If I don't, I don't. No harm no foul. I will still have my disability money. And I can always calls the OVR. They are supposed to help with this stuff. It's funny when I was laying in bed trying to sleep I had a million thoughts flying in my head and now that I am sitting here writing, I am having trouble trying to remember them. Ain't nobody got time for that! I am moving into the Gwynedd Club in a few weeks. My Dad hasn't told me a settlement date yet. But we told Kyle this morning that I am going to be out of Pleasant Grove by May 1. I plan on going up there to pack again in the next few days. I just gotta do the closet in the living room hallway and the kitchen mostly. I need to clear off my vanity too. I also need to pack my shit up that is here, but I will do that when I am ready to start living at my new home. Home. What a beautiful word. Haha. Most of the time I think that word and think of tripping. I forget why we always called it coming home... I haven't tripped in like 10 years and I don't plan on doing it ever again unless someone like spikes my drink with Nyquil or something, but I think I would notice that. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a fun brunch with my parent's, my Aunt Alice and my Aunt Carol and Uncle Warren. Everyone was drinking at breakfast and I really have a fun time when my parent's are lit. They are oblivious that they are and that they are so loosened up. They just get so much friendlier. I wonder if I was like that. Too bad I couldn't control my drinking. It doesn't bother me when other people drink at all. Some people get so upset when people are shit face wasted, but I really don't care. As long as you're not driving somewhere and you don't try to get me to drink, that's your business. But I also don't want shit for doing what I enjoy fun and relaxing that would be considered unsober. I respect you, you respect me. Kapish? Is that how you spell that? Haha. I don't even know. Aw, I love this fucking song so much. Nutshell by Alice in Chains. "We chase misprinted lies We face the path of time And yet I fight And yet I fight This battle all alone No one to cry to No place to call home My gift of self is raped My privacy is raked And yet I find And yet I find Repeating in my head If I can't be my own I'd feel better dead " Sorry for the depressing lyrics, but like Kurt Cobain says in his final message to world: "Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel... pain." No matter how happy and good I feel, I am still so sad and lonely and depressed. And when I come down from a particularly good time in my head I have a nasty spill. It's just bad. But I try to cope. I try not to get into too dark and deep a hole where I can't dig myself out. But sometimes you just gotta cry. I haven't hurt myself in a little over a month. I am trying really hard not to. Almost did last night, and well, I kinda did, but because it wasn't the normal method for me I don't count it. Maybe I am just in denial. Who knows? Maybe I am just in denial about everything. Maybe my life is one big denial. Deny deny deny. Maybe I am not as good and feeling as great as I say I am and that's why I do half the shit I do, but hey listen... if I am getting by and getting shit done day by day and not living in my bed and actually am out there, then it's gotta be better than it has been in the past, right? I really didn't even want to work on my resume today. I just wanted to lay in bed. I got done a lot of shit tho even tho I didn't really put much effort into that. Then my Mom was pushing me into doing some other thing to help my mental health and it's like, I don't want to be nonstop going. Going from nothing to nonstop activity is not my life's goal. 10 hours a week with work is good enough for me. I need to move ya know? That's gonna take time. I want to enjoy doing stuff at my new home, and I want to read read read. And I want to cook and learn new recipes and shit. I want to just be. No, I don't have Matt right now *in the physical sense* but I am not completely lost. Will I be going to as many Phillies games this year? Probably not. But I am going to go to a few at least. I will have a pool to hang around on the weekend. I want to see my family more, because family has become so important to me. I want to do stuff. But I don't want to be up at the buttcrack of dawn or 900am everyday. I like to sleep in because I can't fall asleep most nights. Like tonight... it's almost 2am. I went to bed at 11pm and couldn't fall asleep so I decided to write a blog after tossing and turning for 2 hours. I still wonder and try to figure out every single day what happened to me that caused me not to be able to sleep. To have such an issue. It just doesn't make sense. I think tonight is going to be one of those completely sleepless nights which is unfortunate since I have to go to the job interview, but oh well. I also think it's funny how so many people tell me to stay away from caffeine... today I didn't have any and today is the day I can't fall asleep. I bought a coffee coolatta with a shot of espresso but I didn't drink any of it. Maybe if I drink it now... haha. Anyways, so I am thinking of making an appointment with a dermatologist for the sun damage on my face and to make sure I don't have any skin cancers anywhere on my body that I don't see. I am pleased with my Philosophy Hope in a Jar cream because it really has helped with the exfoliation is does and makes my skin appear smoother. I also am using an Anew by Avon facewash that works really well with the Hope in a Jar. I got the Smashbox CC Cream that they just came out with last week. Well, at the stores that is. Sephora stores. It was available online but it wasn't in stores yet to clue you in to what I am talking about. It works a lot like a foundation. I am happy for that because I can use it more for that this summer, but I really would like a simple tinted moisturizer that will cover, but I don't think I can get away with just that anymore. =(( We will see how my skin looks when I am tan. I don't need a lot of foundation. Like, I don't need to cake it on to get good coverage. But it still isn't a quick 5 minute face. I try to narrow down how long I take on my face since I iron my hair everyday. I redyed my hair yesterday but it's not like bleach blonde. It's a darker shade of blonde. Looks really natural and I get so many compliments on this color. I am gonna leave it go too till I am out in the sun and I am getting sunbleach highlights. Then I don't need to do anything to it at all. *Down you go, suffer long, down you go, sin make me strong--love this song too*... Anyways, I don't really know what else I feel like writing about, so I think I am gonna go grab my coolatta outta the fridge and drink that and read some magazines. To both of you, if you ever read this: I miss you. You both are better than this. Get better. *muah* Thanks for reading. PS- the Phillies season started tonight. They lost their first game. With Hamels on the mound. Oh well. They scored runs for them, so they are at least playing well. Ryan Howard fucked up of course, but hey, he's in midseason form with that. Go Phillies! I am seeing them on Friday at the home opener with KK pitching. Me and Matt's Buddy. Haha. Joy!