It's spring, why is there snow on the ground?

So I saw the place I am potentially moving to next month. I could spy on my Dad's computer right now and see what he told the realtor, but I actually want to be surprised with the good news when it is official. It is a townhouse with 2 bedrooms, a bathroom upstairs and a powder room downstairs. A washer/dryer *which I am in love with I must say* and a dishwasher. Haha, I am living the high life. After living in the apartment for 4 years with basically no amenities I am happy to be finally getting something and living somewhere I can finally call home. I mean, I didn't even have Oliver's ashes in these apartments because I never felt like they were home to me. I will have his ashes with me in this new place. I am thinking of throwing a housewarming party for a select few friends and family. I am looking forward to seeing who I will meet by the pool this summer. I have been volunteering some of my time with NAMI but my therapist thinks I should be getting paid for what I do, so I am still contemplating working. I think it would boost my self esteem. Not going straight into full time, but like 10 hours a week to start. And not in the morning, because I still have insomnia problems. But I don't want a night shift either, so I will figure it out. I do want to go back to working with the elderly because they really are wonderful people to work with. Well, most of them. I had like one case where I couldn't even be near the woman she was so out of her mind I was going to go out of my mind if I kept working with her. I have been walking almost everyday for an hour and I can see an improvement in my body. Today it snowed so I couldn't go outside and walk and I don't have my treadmill here... so... but tomorrow it will be in the 40s so I can go out. As for Matt... I can't unblock a number once it's been blocked in the Mr. Number app on my phone, so wherever he goes next I will talk to him. I hung out with Gail last week and talked with his dad and I am going to see them again probably Wednesday. Matt has tried to call me a few times, I think 3 or 4 in the past few days, but it always hangs up on him because of that app. I really do miss him, and I hope he gets the help he needs rather than wasting away in jail. He needs intensive therapy with people who know what they're doing and have seen this kind of problem with someone with a mental illness. I just hope it happens or he is going to learn nothing and come out and have nothing to show for the time he did. I am going to be his friend. He needs a friend right now. I don't plan on ever dating him again, or living with him, or really anyone else for that matter because of how fucked up people are, but I will be his friend. He will be a registered sex offender anyway, and I don't want the value of my property going down because of that. Like I said, take care of yourself... I am no one's savior and I don't want anyone trying to save me, so why should I be out trying to save the world? Really... shaking my head or smh. I just want to say here how awesome my whole family is and how glad I am I didn't choose drugs over them. My Mom is a great person and I am glad I have a better relationship with her now than I did say, 10 years ago. I am lucky to have these people in my life... We have had our differences but really, you need to be able to get along with your family and show them that you care about them. They are your family. Almost time for the Carrie Diaries. Thanks for reading!

cos i'm nutty nutty nutty for you...

I don't have much time as I have a dinner date at 7pm but I wanted to quick update this. I went to the shore yesterday and attempted to walk on the promenade... got thru 20 mins and I was in absolute hell cos of the bitter cold wind * no wonder I was the only idiot out there!* and so I went inside. But today when I got home after cleaning and organizing and watching the Phillies try to give up a win to the Orioles I went for a 3 mile walk and man did that feel good. I love just putting in my earbuds, turning on Pandora on my phone and just going. I don't even care at this point if I lose weight or what not, I want this for my mental health. I need to think shit out and work through it when I am out there, or inside on my treadmill that everyone wants to buy from me. It's not for sale and it's going in my spare bedroom in my new condo. This week I will know where I am going to be living next. I am hoping it's gwynedd club in north wales, because then I can go to the pool on days I don't have other shit to do and relax and get tan and talk to my neighbors and make friends. I like talking to random people, it's fun. It helps me. I don't want to be a therapist anymore tho, especially after all that happened in the past month cos face it, what the fuck do you say to someone who says to you "yeah, I am addicted to internet porn and I like to show little girls my genitalia"...??? I know I would be trained for that type of issue, but seriously I think my therapist now is the only one who has really helped me and I think it's because she has so much experience. She is 68, god bless her, and I hope she is around for a long time because she is the only one who has really pushed me and gotten thru to me. I have needed that ya know? Ugh, one downfall of walking so much is the hunger pains. Am I going to make it through the next 10 mins? HAHA. Anyways, so that is that, and that's my opinion of some shit. But I am happy to be getting out of that apartment. I can't even sleep in there I get so fucking anxious and worked up because seriously, who the fuck wants a gun in their face after there is all this banging on your bedroom door to get you the fuck up? FIRST THING I see... gun in my face... and I was like um, what the fuck? Did I do something? Then I saw Matt in cuffs when they pushed me out into the living room and told me they had a search warrant for the apartment. Wow. That was a lot to go thru in one fucking morning, then I read the affidavit and the fucking cops are so fucking worried I am pregnant... "are you okay? we don't want to stress you out..." Then don't fucking make me open my door to a gun!!! Assholes. I couldn't sleep at all for like the first week after that. I didn't eat anything for 4-5 days because I was so fucking messed up about this shit. Then all of a sudden food tasted so delicious to me... it was like what the fuck? And then I could eat again. Thank you chinese food from Tung's Garden in Plymouth Meeting. Then I was living on chicken fried rice for a while. Just give me the goddamn rice!!! Haha. Anyways, I am happy that part is over, and I don't want to jinx it but I have been sleeping a bit better. I haven't been taking the zanaflex every night to get to sleep, but I still have been falling asleep without it. I wake up about a million times and I am not dead to the world and I still need like 12 hours but I think my doctor did me some good with putting me on the Tegretol XR. It has helped my mood significantly and I think the fact I am on the right medications right now has helped me to deal with this better emotionally. But technically, it's not so bad because this isn't a borderline issue. Matt was my best friend. I didn't think of him as my lover which makes everything so much more complicated and stressful and I just hate my life when I am in a relationship with someone and I always ALWAYS end up hating them most of the time. It is about sex usually and that's why I keep them around till they go away. And I am so fucking grateful these idiot guys in my life went away. Best present you could ever have given me. But with Matt... it was a close friendship. He is my best friend. He would never have tried to hurt me in anyway, and I know this whole thing wasn't about hurting me. He knows how I felt about him and we were open and honest to each other, and I can honestly say I fucking love that kid. I think I have only ever loved one person and it took me about a year to admit I loved him. The rest was just infatuation and then fucking HATE and there's a thin line between love and hate so you mistake your hate for love. Do you follow me? J. was the only guy I ever loved. I don't think I ever hated him... he was funny and sweet and just different. He wasn't Italian either *Sorry Italian guys!*... he was Irish *happy st. patrick's day!* and just a good guy who went thru a lot of hell because he had a disease. I hope the best for him. My other serious boyfriends: if you know who they are: if you are one of them reading this: I hope they go fuck themselves. I hated you all most of the time... so goddamn annoying. I never hated Matt, and I never will hate Matt. He doesn't annoy the ever living piss out of me. I hope he gets the help he needs. I think he needs to be in a hospital for a year or two for intense one on one therapy. He needs to solve the issues in his head about his Mom dying so young and how it effected him mentally. He is stuck at a young age cos of it, and he wouldn't admit to being sad. He never really showed emotion except when he was manic, and even then it was just aggression. You never really knew what he was thinking. He was always so happy and joking around. You would have no idea he had these deep seeded emotional turmoil issues in his head. I hope he is okay in jail right now and I think he needed to go there first to get the shit scared out of him and to realize "THIS IS WRONG"... but I think he needs hospitalization for a long time like the dude in Silver Linings Playbook. Which I read but didn't see the movie. Won a bunch of Academy Awards. Matthew Quick is the author's name I think, which is interesting cos he is bipolar too. Bipolar disorder is such a complex illness. I don't think everyone who is diagnosed with it has it tho. I really don't. But that's a topic for another time. I am going to buy the new DSM-V when it comes out next month. I am interested in reading the different stuff that is new, cos I have one of the new things that is in it, but it's not that severe YET... It's skin picking. My ears are all fucked up from it. I don't think there is a cure for it. Oh well. I have been kinda OCD lately too, but I don't have OCD. Everyone has it to a point, but I am not having problems functioning in life because of it. So there mental illness... but if you are new to my blog and you are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me: I have bipolar 1 disorder and I have borderline personality disorder. When I feel like the bipolar is under control the borderline comes out. When I feel the borderline is under control the bipolar comes out and I can't function because the anxiety is so bad. Recently I was into the borderline side of me because of a guy. I liked him. I liked him a lot. But because of issues with Matt and shit I had to get away. And after what happened at his home last week I really need to get away from. And it's not because he is violent. I think it is because the way he looks at me I just get so drawn in and it was like that since the day I met him last July or August. I never thought anything would happen and then it did, and I got so caught up in it. I am going to miss him because I found him fascinating. He is really smart and just a beautiful man. And I love his kid. I fucking hate kids and I actually love his. But he is all sorts of fucked up too. I want to be alone. I like my life alone. I have friends and family and occasionally I see certain guys that are friends with benefits like my dear dear ****** who I will be seeing down the shore soon... Kept in touch with him through everything I went through these past couple years, and even tho and idiot loser *illiterate too* told me not to talk to him cos I didn't think it was right he was still talking to his married lover... I kept in touch anyway and talked to him while idiot loser was sleeping. But seriously, why would anyone be okay with your boyfriend/fiance talking to a married woman who is obsessed with you and writes you pathetic love letters. Check this shit out: psycho cunt wrote him a love letter and it was so entirely undeep and horribly stupid and just cheap... like had no substance. When I found it in my apartment and read it I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for leaving that behind. I like laughing at both of you. "ohhh, if things had been different maybe we could be together"... blah blah blah... I think I threw the letter out a long with a bunch of his other shit he left behind. But I really REALLY don't give a fuck about him anymore. He was so annoying and such a loser... I miss Matt so much. He is my best friend and I know he would be laughing so much at the fact we are seeing our buddy KK *Kyle Kendrick* on opening day at Citizens Bank Park. Our buddy. Haha. I am taking Matt's stepsister Gail. She is my buddy. I love her to death and love spending time with her. I haven't seen her in a few weeks but hopefully I will sometime this week. Anyways, time to go. Thanks for reading.

my morning sun is the drug that brings me near, to the childhood i lost replaced by fear...

So I just sent my aunt an email about what is going on and how I am feeling, and I am going to sum it up here. I want Matt to get the help he needs and has needed for 15 years. The Matt I know wouldn't do anything that he feels is wrong or would hurt anybody. He is a very law abiding citizen, and I know that this is something just straight out weird. Goddamn I am getting carpal tunnel from just typing at my Dad's desk on his amazing computer. Anyways, so I have developed a rash from the stress of everything and I got sick from it as well. I am going to go to the doctor about the rash again on Tuesday. They don't want to prescribe stuff to me a lot of the time because of my history and it is what it is, so I deal. This wrist thing is really bothering me, so I am sorry that this is going to be short, and I may update later when I am down the shore or on my phone down there. I am okay mentally though. I think because my medications are right and I have some true faith in my doctor. He is brilliant, and I don't think he would fuck me over like my horrible doctor last year. But anyway, so I am going to the home opener of the Phillies with my buddy Gail. I was supposed to go with Matt and I am resigned to the fact I won't be going to as many Phillies games as I would have liked to this year, but neither will he. I hope to get to at least 5 or 6. I am excited for the home opener and I really hope they win, but I will probably be seeing Kyle Kendrick AGAIN... although for some reason I have been finding him oddly attractive. I am weird I know. As for that whole other thing I mentioned that Matt kind of ended for me, well at this point I am glad it is over. It needed to be done with. That guy hurt me and he didn't care that he did it. I needed to get away from him but he was just so... charming. But thank you Matt for not knowing you helped me, but helping me in a way that I needed. I needed to escape something that I was doing to myself. I owe Matt my life. He saved it last year... I want to help him. I have blocked his calls for now, and I don't know when I will see him. But I want him to get help. I hope he gets help. This just is not like him at all... I miss him, and I will be there for him in however way I can. He is my best friend, and he has never EVER tried to hurt me unlike some people I forgave over and over again. He is a good person and like I said, this is just not like him. My wrist is in beyond pain at this point, so I think I am going to give up the typing for now. Thanks for reading. Oh yeah and one other thing: I am finally moving! Don't have a date yet or anything like that, but next week when my Dad is off from school for spring break he is going to look at the places he is thinking of getting for me. My lease is up next month, so perfect timing! Badabing badaboom!

You seem to think that you can save me save me...

So tomorrow it will be a year since my wonderful and beautiful aunt Annie passed away from brain and lung cancer... the one thing no there are multiple things I wish I had done with her that I never got to do...I do remember shooting the shit with her on my aunt Carol's front porch on an Easter Sunday talking about how we wanted to go to Amsterdam... little Amsterdam... in a southern town...I had a clue at the time that she smoked but I wasn't positive.. I smoked at the time but I didn't tell anyone in my family ...anyway so last summer when I saw my cousin heather she told me my aunt was still smoking the gang a till she was in the hospital and you know what? I totally support that...I think it helps everything... fuck Reagan for saying that it is the most dangerous drug in the world... what the fuck? You are the stupidest motherfucker in the world for ever saying that...I wish I could move to Colorado just so I could get help legally and smoke it and feel good... but anyways this post isn't about weed...its going to be about a lot of things... Annie was a beautiful woman...she had a rough life and a lot of things in my life mirror hers and I have learned from some of the shit she has gone through... I need my family...my cousins... I love my cousins heather and danny... you guys are the shit...you are my blood my core...
so shit has gotten real the past few days...I have been having issues sleeping because I have gotten paranoid because of the way the attorney general burst into my apartment and woke me up with their gun drawn and in my face...I love how my mom actsl like telling people about it will get it out of my head...well it fucking won't...lord help me...I am in therapy getting the help I need before shit gets worse...my addictions are coming out but I don't know what to do to get a grip on them at this point...I really don't think I can worry about that...I need to get thru...just trying to get thru...if I see matt I swear I will beat him to a bloody pulp and with my words will tear him a new asshole that will hurt even more than the one he will get raped in jail when they tell him to squeal like a pig boy!  Just wait till the shit I tell u matt about what I did...and the shit I am gonna do to u while u are gone...u think u hurt now...u are gonna wish u never lived... trust me... since I was 13 Ohhhh the age of the girls u like...anyway since I was that age people have told me they don't ever want to be on my bad side...well guess what...fucking little girls...well that's on my bad side...doing it in my apartment...that's on my bad side... trying to marry me...trying to get me into that shit... trying to bring that into a house my dad would buy for us? Ohhhh you fucked up... you are left with nothing and no one... saying you are going to dinner with my family on Thanksgiving but then you could stuff the 13 year old? Fuck you... you know what? Fuck you... you know what else? Fuck you? I want your balls smashed eat shit bastard...you acted like my asshole ex should be crucified for punching me in the face... yeah that was fucked up but this is a million times worse... this is a betrayal behind my back...and you acted like it was because I wasn't attracted to u...well maybe if you got off you fat ass and stopped drinking a gallon of milk a day and maybe walked on my treadmill... try... now you have no choice... now you can look good for your boyfriend Bubba in prison... fuck you for doing this fuck you fuck you fuck you...
I cannot shake the taste of blood of blood in my mouth ive come to think that its all good and all over now you seem to think that you can save me save me because I'm trying to get thru...
Yeah so I butchered them but u get the point...I am just trying to get thru without another trip to the clinic or rehab or something special...

I love you aunt Annie... I miss you...I know you would tell me to fuck men...to do what I want and that I could do what I want... I wish I could have had that convo with you last year after loser left... I don't even really remember why now tho... but anyway I will always remember you...
I don't know what else to say...