my morning sun is the drug that brings me near, to the childhood i lost replaced by fear...

So I just sent my aunt an email about what is going on and how I am feeling, and I am going to sum it up here. I want Matt to get the help he needs and has needed for 15 years. The Matt I know wouldn't do anything that he feels is wrong or would hurt anybody. He is a very law abiding citizen, and I know that this is something just straight out weird. Goddamn I am getting carpal tunnel from just typing at my Dad's desk on his amazing computer. Anyways, so I have developed a rash from the stress of everything and I got sick from it as well. I am going to go to the doctor about the rash again on Tuesday. They don't want to prescribe stuff to me a lot of the time because of my history and it is what it is, so I deal. This wrist thing is really bothering me, so I am sorry that this is going to be short, and I may update later when I am down the shore or on my phone down there. I am okay mentally though. I think because my medications are right and I have some true faith in my doctor. He is brilliant, and I don't think he would fuck me over like my horrible doctor last year. But anyway, so I am going to the home opener of the Phillies with my buddy Gail. I was supposed to go with Matt and I am resigned to the fact I won't be going to as many Phillies games as I would have liked to this year, but neither will he. I hope to get to at least 5 or 6. I am excited for the home opener and I really hope they win, but I will probably be seeing Kyle Kendrick AGAIN... although for some reason I have been finding him oddly attractive. I am weird I know. As for that whole other thing I mentioned that Matt kind of ended for me, well at this point I am glad it is over. It needed to be done with. That guy hurt me and he didn't care that he did it. I needed to get away from him but he was just so... charming. But thank you Matt for not knowing you helped me, but helping me in a way that I needed. I needed to escape something that I was doing to myself. I owe Matt my life. He saved it last year... I want to help him. I have blocked his calls for now, and I don't know when I will see him. But I want him to get help. I hope he gets help. This just is not like him at all... I miss him, and I will be there for him in however way I can. He is my best friend, and he has never EVER tried to hurt me unlike some people I forgave over and over again. He is a good person and like I said, this is just not like him. My wrist is in beyond pain at this point, so I think I am going to give up the typing for now. Thanks for reading. Oh yeah and one other thing: I am finally moving! Don't have a date yet or anything like that, but next week when my Dad is off from school for spring break he is going to look at the places he is thinking of getting for me. My lease is up next month, so perfect timing! Badabing badaboom!