You seem to think that you can save me save me...

So tomorrow it will be a year since my wonderful and beautiful aunt Annie passed away from brain and lung cancer... the one thing no there are multiple things I wish I had done with her that I never got to do...I do remember shooting the shit with her on my aunt Carol's front porch on an Easter Sunday talking about how we wanted to go to Amsterdam... little Amsterdam... in a southern town...I had a clue at the time that she smoked but I wasn't positive.. I smoked at the time but I didn't tell anyone in my family ...anyway so last summer when I saw my cousin heather she told me my aunt was still smoking the gang a till she was in the hospital and you know what? I totally support that...I think it helps everything... fuck Reagan for saying that it is the most dangerous drug in the world... what the fuck? You are the stupidest motherfucker in the world for ever saying that...I wish I could move to Colorado just so I could get help legally and smoke it and feel good... but anyways this post isn't about weed...its going to be about a lot of things... Annie was a beautiful woman...she had a rough life and a lot of things in my life mirror hers and I have learned from some of the shit she has gone through... I need my family...my cousins... I love my cousins heather and danny... you guys are the shit...you are my blood my core...
so shit has gotten real the past few days...I have been having issues sleeping because I have gotten paranoid because of the way the attorney general burst into my apartment and woke me up with their gun drawn and in my face...I love how my mom actsl like telling people about it will get it out of my head...well it fucking won't...lord help me...I am in therapy getting the help I need before shit gets worse...my addictions are coming out but I don't know what to do to get a grip on them at this point...I really don't think I can worry about that...I need to get thru...just trying to get thru...if I see matt I swear I will beat him to a bloody pulp and with my words will tear him a new asshole that will hurt even more than the one he will get raped in jail when they tell him to squeal like a pig boy!  Just wait till the shit I tell u matt about what I did...and the shit I am gonna do to u while u are gone...u think u hurt now...u are gonna wish u never lived... trust me... since I was 13 Ohhhh the age of the girls u like...anyway since I was that age people have told me they don't ever want to be on my bad side...well guess what...fucking little girls...well that's on my bad side...doing it in my apartment...that's on my bad side... trying to marry me...trying to get me into that shit... trying to bring that into a house my dad would buy for us? Ohhhh you fucked up... you are left with nothing and no one... saying you are going to dinner with my family on Thanksgiving but then you could stuff the 13 year old? Fuck you... you know what? Fuck you... you know what else? Fuck you? I want your balls smashed eat shit bastard...you acted like my asshole ex should be crucified for punching me in the face... yeah that was fucked up but this is a million times worse... this is a betrayal behind my back...and you acted like it was because I wasn't attracted to u...well maybe if you got off you fat ass and stopped drinking a gallon of milk a day and maybe walked on my treadmill... try... now you have no choice... now you can look good for your boyfriend Bubba in prison... fuck you for doing this fuck you fuck you fuck you...
I cannot shake the taste of blood of blood in my mouth ive come to think that its all good and all over now you seem to think that you can save me save me because I'm trying to get thru...
Yeah so I butchered them but u get the point...I am just trying to get thru without another trip to the clinic or rehab or something special...

I love you aunt Annie... I miss you...I know you would tell me to fuck men...to do what I want and that I could do what I want... I wish I could have had that convo with you last year after loser left... I don't even really remember why now tho... but anyway I will always remember you...
I don't know what else to say...