theyre my new "i don't need a job, i don't need my parent's, i got new boots boots!"

I haven't updated this since August and it is now November 3rd... but I felt like I should update and discuss what's going on in my life for all 3 of my readers. ha! So we had a huge hurricane here and I must say what a fucking inconvenience mother nature has turned out to be... I swear the weather is trying to make up for our shitty no snow winter... that i didn't even get to enjoy down the shore because they were working on the Spinnaker and taking a million fucking light years... yes, i'm cursing up a storm cos I have a potty mouth but I don't care... Lately i think I've been hypomanic... I've been barely sleeping *what else is new* and when I do I sleep like 14 hours... then of course I can't get back to sleep... I don't like losing whole days cos I'm not fucking depressed anymore... I don't think i was even depressed when i went into the hospital the second time this year... Yet they thought i did all these terrible things to myself... really, when i say i'm good, i'm fucking good... LISTEN TO ME! anyways, so the storm knocked out the power to the apt... I moved back in there after the summer was over... matthias is living with me there now... it's a good situation... but we lost like $100 worth of food from the fridge and freezer which totally and absolutely blows... mmmm coffee would be good right about now... I'm watching my Friends vhs tapes... drinking iced tea which is somehow making me nauseous...Agh, i somehow miss my apt... =(( I hate it when I'm there, yet when I'm not there I wanna be there... I'm getting a new bed delivered on Tuesday... canNOT fucking wait to get that bed I slept in with loser out of my apt... I got a Queen Stearns and Foster pillowtop...it has to be sleep inducing... i am so sick of trying to get to sleep... and it not working... fighting for sleep... why must I be tortured? Seriously, in the show Homeland which is about terrorists and shit they were depriving the captive of sleep and it gets so bad he kills himself... one of my friends in the hospital went 7 days without sleep... it drives you insane... agh I'm ranting... anyways, besides that and the inconvenience of this storm everything is good...Saw my friends Jessi and Dave tonight and hanging out with Nickles tomorrow night... I'm gonna man hunt for her... she needs a guy who gets her... ive brought some other couples together, i can do it for her! okay i think i'm done blogging for the night... thanks for reading! =)) -laura =^-^=

mulder...

*the title is because xfiles king mulder is on satc*
I don't think grandparents should be kept away from their grandchildren just because the parents aren't together. I'm watching SATC again as usual on DVD and I don't think it's right that Steve's mom hasn't met Brady. I think she should have met him when he was born. I don't think it's right for a parent who is mad at their baby mama or baby daddy that they keep their children away from them. It's just my opinion. I used to get really emotional about this episode and being hurt and not believing anymore in love but I believe in it now in certain ways. I was desperate to have someone around so I got into an abusive relationship instead of sticking with the guy who treated me like a queen. And now I have Matthias. I love calling him that, lol.
I will finish this later...
*********************************************************************
Honesty in relationships is so important. I give credit to Matt for being honest with me. He needed to be. And I will be honest with him. Usually things don't bother me unless you keep it from me then lie about it.
Anyways, I had a big lunch. A sandwich and some baked chips and some low sugar cookies. I'll have to really watch what I eat for dinner tonight but I planned on doing that anyways. I didn't go to the gym today but I will tomorrow. I did a lot of walking at the game on Monday. We went to the Spectrum Grill at Xfinity live instead of the Broad Street Bullies pub which is a fun place to watch the Flyers games. It was really expensive. I thought it was good but a bit salty. Gail thought the mushrooms and onions were salty too. Matt had a steak which is usually salty anyways. Matt spent a lot of money on me that night and I'm grateful. I had a good time even tho they lost. Wish we had gone last night cos Hamels had a complete game and did sooooooo well. He had a shutout. Kelsey got to go last night.
Poor Carrie is freaking out about Big having surgery. I know what it's like to care about someone so much that anyone or anything hurting them hurts you as well. I feel that way about a lot of my friends and family. Oh joy, Kristin Cavalarri or however the fuck you spell her name had her kid. I'm sure it's beautiful but really, I don't care. Anyways, the past week I have been going to bed kinda late for me lately cos I've been out so much but tonight I want to go to bed by 10pm. I don't want to sleep my morning away again. I need to get up and get to the gym. So tomorrow, that's my plan. In the fall I would like to get back to the YMCA and use the pool and the elliptical machine. For now, the stepper is fine. It's good for your legs and it is good cardio. I want to run stairs as well. That is hard as fuck. Even when I was like gym queen that kicked my ass and a friend of mine at the gym used the stairclimber everyday and would put it on like impossible resistance. Needless to say, she had an incredible body. After I get back from vacay I am going to start a diet at the gym with the help of a trainer. So i won't be able to go out to eat as much which isn't really a problem. I think it will help, even tho I never really eat much food anymore except for today's lunch.
haha, the nurse on SATC thought Big was Carrie's husband. People think me and Matt are married all the time and we never correct them. Even at CBP people call us husband and wife. It's only a matter of time before that is spot on. *I follow all the NY teams...*--too bad they SUCK.
Oooh loreal has a new mascara called Power Volume... I may have to go out and get that. I thought about getting the Maybelline plush mascara but I like the size of this one's brush. And DiorShow Blackout mascara is just not in the works to being affordable right now so I'll have to go with cheaper stuff. It works anyways, just takes a bit more work to get the same effects.
Anyways, I finished Babyville the other day and started "Prep" by some chick named curtis sittenfeld. I haven't really been too dedicated to reading it yet and I plan on watching the SATC movie at 4. Well, the beginning of it cos I saw the end a few days ago. Or maybe I won't watch it and I'll read for a while. Today is a lazy day. I am getting sick of watching tv right now, so I think I'm going to wrap this up and go read for a while. Thanks for reading!-laura

that's the meanest thing you've ever said to me...

*the title is a quote from SATC... it's hilarious when she says it...=))* Ah, so I read my last blog post and noticed how angry it seemed, but I think it was because they reduced one of my meds to a much lower dose *still trying to get off them, but since May I have come off so many meds. I am only on Geodon, Saphris, Neurontin and Zoloft.* Anyways, so the dose was too low so I called my new doctor and hopefully ill stay on the dose i was on last. It's a lower dose than I originally was on. Does anyone know about the combination of Saphris and Geodon being bad? I have read different things about it, but there is a concern about me being on both of them. Anyways, so my anxiety got really bad there for a few days but since I went back to an increased dosage I'm much calmer. Just a bit tired. And I wasn't able to really enjoy myself down the shore last weekend because I just felt like shit. But I am looking forward to my trip this coming week. My brother comes in on Thursday night and then on Friday I think the 6 of us are going out to dinner somewhere. I would assume at least. Then Saturday morning we are leaving at 7am *ugh kill me! lol* for the shore so we don't sit in traffic and we are going straight to Uncle Bill's pancake house in Strathmere, but I think I may run to DD at like 6am and get a red eye or a double espresso iced latte. I'm gonna need something!
I'm watching Sex and the City and I must say that Miranda is a really good friend to Carrie I think. I think it's interesting how they end up meeting each other in the Summer and the City book. This is a sad episode. it's where Miranda's mom dies. They cut out the part where the stranger makes her feel better in the store when she is buying her shitty black dress. =(( Oh well.

I'm going to the Phillies game again tomorrow with Gail and Matt. We wanted to bring Gail's boyfriend but he can't go. Gail and Brian are so cute. =)) Matt's whole family is awesome. I like them all. His grandpop really likes me. I like him too and his girlfriend who has excellent style. Matt jokingly said he was going to have to run out and buy a ring today to ask me to marry him at the game, lol! I would be so embarassed but it would be really sweet and memorable. Kelsey *my cuz* said that that would be a perfect spot for me. She goes to a lot of games too because she has partial season tickets. I did want to get them at one point but right now, I don't really need to. Deciding on the spur of the moment is the way to go I think for me. That way hopefully in September I will see Hamels again. I will see if we can figure it out in the beginning of September and when Matt has off work we will go. I'm going to see Worley tomorrow and probably Worley again on the 22nd when I get back from the shore and go to the game. Then I'm going back down the shore. I have to talk to my friend Serial to see when we can hangout down there. I know the 14th is a definite. I haven't been texting too much this week cos if I use my phone I usually make a call cos Matt doesn't like texting. And I know he likes to hear the sound of my voice, as I his. =))
We went to Friendly's for lunch. Today was my cheat day altho I didn't really cheat on my diet that bad. I did have a Sundae but I hardly ate my sandwich. I'm going to watch what I eat for dinner and breakfast tomorrow I'll have a bagel thin with a Laughing Cow cheese triangle. Or peanut butter. Whoooo I am tired. I wonder why I am so tired. Maybe I'll take a nap but it looks like it's gonna rain or storm so that might keep me up dammit. Yeah there are dark clouds outside so it probably will storm soon like they said it was going to. I'll put on the 6 oclock news and check the weather in a minute. Four people got struck by lightning on Friday down the shore. It didn't even rain where I was in Sea Isle City, NJ. I love the shore and can't wait to go back. For an extended stay too. Just heard thunder. I still haven't decided what I'm going to read while I'm down there but I'll figure it out. I still am interested in reading the Host. Right now I'm reading "Babyville" by Jane Green. She is a good writer but her stories are really hit or miss on if you're going to like them or not. They can be a bit dry.
I put on the news but they're talking about the death of Andy Reid's son Garrett. Okay now they're talking about the storms. It says in 8 mins it will hit Norristown *the heart of hell* and so it will probably hit me in like 5-10 minutes. I just hope my Pickle Pixie is okay. Anyways, Garrett Reid probably died from a drug overdose. You sometimes need to hit rock bottom to realize that your life has taken a wrong path but often times it doesn't work. I feel awful for those who are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I've been there, I know what it's like. I know what it's like to want your pain taken away. But from my recent experiences it's better to "be patient" as MJK says in his tool song the patient. " Must keep reminding myself of this I must keep reminding myself of this...if there were no rewards to reap, no loving embrace to see me thru, this tedious path i've chosen here, i certainly wouldve walked away by now." How embarassing for the Reid family for his kid being in prison. I am guessing nothing could have saved Garrett. I wonder if my cousin Matt can be saved. He's been crying for help for a long time now, and I wish there was something I could do to help him. When you're in that state tho you can't figure out what is right and what's wrong and how to deal with it. All you can see is the here and now, and you want immediate gratification. But it's not always possible. Like I said, be patient. What's a month in the hospital compared to years worth of chasing drugs and trying to score to fix that problem that just won't go away and still won't even with the drugs? I just can't imagine not being healthy again. In good news with that I've been checking my blood sugar and it was pretty low the other day compared to how high it was a few months ago. I've been walking and doing some form of exercise from 30-45 mins daily with a day off every 6 or 7 days. Last time I went 9 days without rest and that might be why I have been so tired. Tomorrow in the morning I'm going to go to the gym, then I have a dentist appointment *I know you love me my friends at Blue Bell Dental! lol-Kim!* then I will get changed and go to the game. We are going to have dinner at Xfinity Live. Gail has never been there so it will be cool.
I just thought of something: Sea Isle City should have a "rodney" like OCM does. Okay severe thunderstorm warning, but it isn't really bad at all here. It's pretty dark here tho. Oh well. I'm going to wrap this up. Thanks for reading! -laura

muscle cars drove a truck right thru my heart...

Another week, down. One more week till my long vacation at the shore although I am going tomorrow for a few days. I'll probably get even more color again. Hooray for not being pale and ugly! lol... My bff Jackie is probably coming down during the 2 weeks I am there... and Matt is coming down the 2nd week I am there. He's going to be bored without me at home aren't ya Matthius? My brother and his gf are coming into town next Thursday or Friday. I can't wait. Should be a good time. I look forward to seeing how they train. I had a good workout this morning. Did twice the amount of time as usual on the stepper. I enjoy it a lot and will either take a mile or 2 mile walk tomorrow down the shore. I did 2 miles when I was there last week but didn't take water and it was soooo freakin hot. I got thru it tho, but the 2nd mile was killer. I won't do that again. Next time I'll take water especially since it's supposed to be pretty hot there tomorrow. Been really watching what I am eating. We went to a buffet last night but it was so terrible that Matt and I didn't even eat the food we got. It was so gross. It was Jim's Buffet in Lansdale. It was awful. I recommend never going there. I've dropped 3 sizes. I'm going by how my clothes feel and fit and not by the scale cos the scale is a pain in the ass. I look a lot thinner now too. Can't wait to be back to my thin self again. Being heavy is so unhealthy and unattractive. As for the Phillies, the trade deadline has passed and Pence went to the Giants and Victorino went to the Dodgers. I'll miss Pence and Shaney had a lot of heart being here and was an integral part of the 2008 World Series Championship. But times have passed and they seem to be doing better now that they made the trades. Eric Kratz has been wonderful and except for the error Kevin Frandsen has been good too. I think they just needed to get a new group together. Lee even looked really good the other night against Strasburg which surprised me. I'm sick of being on my computer so I'm going to wrap this up. I'm hardly ever on my computer anymore. Not even facebook. I don't even go on it on my phone. It's such a waste of time. It's high school shit I think. I may even get rid of my fb account so no LOSERS can spy on me. Wish I had the time to spy on him, but basically, I really don't give a shit. I feel sorry for whoever he dates next because I had horrible stress headaches from that relationship and they went away for good once he was out of my life. THANK GOD. I wish I had left him and told him to get out the first time he jumped on me and started strangling me cos I woke him up. He's abusive and the next chick will probably be abused by him too. He abused his daughter and left a welt on her. That's HORRIBLE. You don't beat your kids. He also lies about it too and says I gave him a black eye when he had black eyes from the day I met him. I bet he's wondering why they're permanent. Cos you're the dumbass who doesn't know how to get sleep and get rid of them. He's an awful person and I am so happy he is out of my life. I should have pressed charges against him when I was in the hospital and the doctors were telling me to. They saw the marks he left on my face from when he punched me. I was afraid to tho because he put fear in me. Anyways, ladies learn from this... walk away from abusive relationships. It's not worth the pain and stress they put you thru. It's better to be with someone who is a good person *like my love Matt* and be treated like the queen you are then to be supporting a deadbeat father of 3 children with 3 different mothers *can we say male slut?*, toothless, lying, uneducated high school dropout, ugly prick who has no drive except to live on Facebook and act like he knows how to ummm "produce" music. That's really funny. Making crap on your computer doesn't mean you can "produce" anything. Especially since it all sucked. Amen. Okay, now that I got that out, onto more important things in my next posts. =)) Like how wonderful life has been lately. I'm going to get ready for my dentist appointment. Thanks for reading. -laura

guarding yourself from the love of another, left you with nothing tonight... why does it sound like the devil is laughing, leaving me haunted tonight?

*The title is from the Disturbed song "guarded" that I have in my head right now. I'll have to listen to them on the way to the theatre and to dinner* Yaaay is all I have to say about today. The Phillies signed Cole Hamels to 6 years with a vesting option of a 7th year this morning. I am so happy. I must admit i teared up the other day when I thought it might be his last start as a Phillie. It just would have been unfair and it would have said they didn't want to win games or championships if they didn't sign him. I'm so glad he signed here. Thank god. =)) The Phillies also just won their 4th game in a row. I was at the one they won on Sunday against the Giants. It was a good game and went into the 12th inning. They are doing so much better since the All Star break and it would be awesome if they could go on a good run and make it into the playoffs. Like Matt said, they should probably focus on winning the wild card now instead of the NL East. I think it's their best option. And since I know Matt reads this: I looooooooooove you, you're my booooooooooooyfriend... LOL... kissy kissy... hahaha... I needed to make fun of him on here just because he knows I looooooooooooooove him, I think he's specccccccccccial... even if he is late all the time. He's going to be late for his own funeral. I used to be late all the time but I never am anymore. Anyways, I look forward to getting my car back from the shop soon. It needed major repairs and I had put it off for so long that they are finally getting done. I can't imagine not being able to have a car or drive for that matter. That would be terrible. As for work, in September I am going to sign up for nurses aide training in Lansdale at St. Mary's Manor and hopefully work there or for an agency. I really enjoy working with elderly people because they interest me and usually just need a smiling face to make their day. I don't want to deal with difficult people who don't like me simply because they are jealous of me *Hint, youre too ugly to mention by name, but your boyfriend's name rhymes with Man... but he's definitely not a Man since he can't stand up to you. One day when you break up because he doesn't want to be bossed around anymore by an insecure unfortunate looking bitch, well then I can say "I told you so."* Enough about that. I'm going to the shore again for the weekend but my friend isn't going to be down this weekend. =(( I was hoping to see him, but I guess I have to wait until August. Things have been going good again for me. Just a little set back with how I felt about that girl *is she a girl?* who tried to make me feel awful about myself. Too bad she's not awesome enough to ever get to know me. I'm seeing the Dark Knight Rises tonight. It looks good. Christian Bale *one of my favorite actors* went to visit some of the victims of the shooting. He is a great person, and it's a shame the Batman franchise has been fucked up by incidents such as the death of Heath Ledger and now this mass shooting. I don't think anything happened with the first movie. I'll have to watch the first two again. And I want to watch Die Hard because Matt wants me to and I said I would. He thinks I'm going to make him watch Magic Mike with me when I buy it when it comes out on DVD, but I won't. It was good tho. I also got the new Emily Giffin book yesterday and am almost halfway thru it. I may not have time to finish it by tomorrow so I will take it down the shore. I am probably going to go to Target tomorrow to get some more tshirts for working out. I have a huge blister which is finally starting to heal on my foot from walking 2 miles without socks on. My new black sneakers fucked up my foot. It feels much better than it did, but it does still hurt. Anyways, I need to finish getting ready for my date with Matt so I am going to wrap this up. Thanks for reading. -laura =^-^= Meow!

that ball is outta here!!!

Today I came back from the shore. It was a quick trip there just to get away for the night. I'm really looking forward to my 2 weeks there in August. I plan on seeing my friend who works for a band down there during this time. I'm glad I didn't lose touch with him even tho I supposedly wasn't supposed to talk to him. Oops. But he was there for me when my friend passed away in January unlike a certain LOSER I won't name, lol. Anyways, after my walk today I cleaned up my room and cleaned out my closet and took all the trash downstairs. Yesterday I walked 2 miles down the shore even tho it was pretty windy. I didn't mind. Just put on my iPod and went. I ran into someone I met when I was in the hospital. She was really nice and sweet and I hope she gets better. I emailed her on fb because she lives close by and I would like to get together with her. So, if you're reading this, you know who you are! =)) I think I got bitten by a few mosquitoes or something because my face and neck have been itchy. It looks like I have bites, but I'm not sure. I can't really tell except when I look in the mirror. So I'm listening to the game while I'm in my room and Cole Hamels had his first career homerun off the starting pitcher for the All Star Game on the National League this year. Matt Cain. He also has a perfect game this year, and Hamels gets his first homerun off him! I think Hamels is definitely capable of hitting more homeruns than just the one. I really hope we sign him and don't sell him. I don't think we should. As they said on the radio the other day, if the Phillies don't sign him, then it's like theyre saying they don't want to win. Ruben Amaro Jr. needs to get it right and sign him soon. I heard they offered him 6 years and 144million dollars. I hope he takes it. The Yankees would offer him more I know but I don't think being a Yankee is worth it. The other day I saw the Yankees minor league team the Trenton Thunder play the Reading Phillies. Of course the Phillies lost. It was a fun game and the food there was cheap. I'm going to the regular Phillies game tomorrow. I'm going with Brad, Matt and another girl. Should be a good time. I'm reading another book by Jennifer Weiner now. It's called Little Earthquakes. So far it's not that wonderful because it's all about marriage and babies and I don't really give a shit about that stuff right now. But I'll get thru it. I don't think I want to have kids because then they will probably end up with at least depression especially since Matt also has bipolar disorder. I don't want to put a child thru that. I also don't want to spend the money I'll be making from working on someone else. I mean, sure I will love them, and I do like to spoil people with gifts but I don't know. I just don't think it's in the cards for me. But if it happens, it happens. Anyways, I need to call Matt back cos he's coming over after he's done work tonight. I'm gonna read for a while after the game. Mr. Buddy is hanging out with me. He's so cute. I still haven't written the short story I want to put into words that is in my head but I will eventually. I heard that 50 Shades was written on a blackberry. I thought that was kinda cool. It's not exactly "good" writing. I've read much better, but people probably like it so much cos it's sex sex sex which got old fast and also it's really easy reading. It's also fantasy. I don't really understand the obsession with it but it's chick lit, so I guess girls really like it. If a guy was reading it, well I dunno what to think of that, lol. He's not a man. Haha. I don't know if I'll see the movie. I think Alexander Skarsgard should be Christian Grey and my friend said she thought that Anne Hathaway should be Anastasia Steele. I don't know about that because while she may be homely, I don't think she really would fit that role since she was Catwoman in the movie the Dark Knight Rises which I'm going to see sometime this week. Even if there was a mass shooting at the movie, I still want to see it and support Mr. Christian Bale. I'm gonna call Matt back now. Thanks for reading! -laura

In my platforms I hit the floor... fell facedown, it didn't help my brain out...

*the title is because I have been getting a lot of wear out of my platforms that I bought a few weeks ago.* Today and the rest of this past week have been good. Life has been really good lately. I'm looking forward to going to the shore this weekend, then the Phillies/Giants game on Sunday with Matt. Hopefully they will win and it will be the first game I see them win this year besides the On Deck preseason game they won with Hamels. *Hollywood Hamels as we like to call him. He is so hot. So is most of the team tho.* Anyways, I had therapy today and I worked out this morning after going to Double TT for breakfast and having a few good cups of coffee. I am enjoying working out, its just when I go a lot of people are using the machines and it gets kind of annoying when you are trying to work thru a circuit and people are taking their grand old time with it. Oh well. I am going to incorporate working out more than just once a day into my schedule. When I am down the shore I am going to walk daily and maybe do some ab exercises along with plyos. That's always fun and it will keep me from gaining weight back while I am going out to eat every night I am down there. I will be there for about 2 weeks, but am coming back so I can go to another Phillies game with Matt, his sister, his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend and our friend Rich. Rich is a nice guy. Matt finally introduced me to him, and he said I was a keeper or something to that effect. Matt and I talk about getting married someday but right now I don't want to be in a relationship. Altho we practically are. But I have been trying to maintain my independence for as long as I can. Loser really fucked with my head *You promised me heaven, but put me thru hell.* That's the perfect way to describe it. He really was full of shit. But I don't want to waste my time or energy on someone who is a waste of space and a deadbeat father. What was I thinking getting involved with someone like him? I think I was desperate... that's what I had to be. But I'm certainly not desperate now. Anyways, I have been eating a lot better *Just had some string cheese that Mr. Buddy was eyeballing me for* and I have been reading a lot about diet and exercise. Trying to keep healthy things around me and keep motivated to work out everyday for at least 30 mins. The weight is flying off me, which is wonderful. I hope people don't recognize me. But eventually I will be at that stage. Oh god, windows is being a pain in the ass again, so I am going to wrap this up unofruntatley cos I can't see what I am typing. Okay, maybe I have fixed it now. Anyways, I am going to try to update this regularly, and to keep a log of things I do and opinions I have and such. Writing is so cathartic. I also have some ideas for some short stories to write. And I will read read read. Reading is so important if you want to be able to be a good writer. I just wish I could figure out what the hell Windows wants from me in order to not have it pulling at the whole screen. Oh well. I think I am going to go and make some dinner and then finish Nantucket Nights by Elin Hildebrand. Matt bought me another one of her books last night, and after I'm done this I'm going to read something else, but I'm not sure what exactly yet. I think for my few weeks down the shore I'm going to read The Host by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. And also a book by Marian Keyes, but I haven't decided which one yet. I also will probably bring down I Remember You by Harriet Evans. And probably something short and sweet as well. I plan on reading a lot while I am there. I am not sure what I am going to read next because I plan on taking something to the shore with me on Friday. But if I read a lot of it by Thursday, then I won't be able to take it. So I'll see. I'll have to check out what I have, because I've been going thru books so fast lately. Anyways, maybe I'll post again later, but probably I won't until tomorrow because if I write later, it's going to be a short story.