into the flood again, same old trip it was back then...

So I am down the shore for a few days just enjoying the quiet that is the weekends here for now... till it picks up next month. I couldn't really sleep, but what else is new? So I decided to get up. At first my anxiety was really bad, but now I am just tired, so it went away. I am making some eight oclock french roast coffee... wish I had some espresso. But I will probably hit Wawa for that later. I am listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora as usual. I really love that station. I am gonna go for a walk/run after breakfast or something... after I have had a healthy dose of caffeine, because right now I would just collapse probably after like only a mile, and I want to do 3. I was talking to my brother about how when you start out it is hard, but then you get into your flow and rhythmn and then it just is enjoyable. I forgot how much I enjoy working out, and since it helps lose weight, and shit like that, it's like I can eat. Instead of starving myself and being miserable. I can't eat anything I want, but I can actually eat. I forgot how much more enjoyable the spring and summer months are because I can eat. Also, baseball is such a wonderful part of these seasons. I always miss it so much and am so happy when it comes back. I want to go to another game next month, but if not then, that June 1 definitely, in the suite. I don't think I will be sitting behind the dugout anytime soon. We don't know what is going to happen with Matt yet. I told him I will be his friend. That's the best I can do. I don't know what else to tell him. He told me on Tuesday that he was kinda upset with what I told him when we talked on the phone last week, but then when I talked to him again, he said he understood that he needs to hear the truth. And I told him I want to get past this with him, and that if I didn't, I just wouldn't talk to him anymore. I know he needs some sort of hope. I think he deserves that much. But I haven't hurt myself on purpose since the day he was taken away. I just needed to stop doing that. It had gotten to a bad point, so I stopped. It wasn't helping the situation at all. *I have a great view of the ocean right now and it's really pretty wavy... I wonder if it is windy or something...* There was something else about Matt I wanted to say but it flew right out of my head like thoughts do all the time... fleeting... I hate that. Damn it, I really can't remember. Anyways, so I didn't notice till just now that they are working on repairing the dunes down here. When I go out for my hour I will check it out more. But there was a guy walking on the part they are fixing and I thought he looks weird. He looked so much bigger than he should have, but he was walking on the pile of sand. HA! I was seriously like WTF? Pandora stopped on my Dad's computer so I don't have music right now, but I may put it on on my phone. I thought I had more to write about but I really don't. You can follow me on twitter.com/me0wmixalot if you want... it's the place where I get to chat about the Phillies with a bunch of fun people. Phillies should sweep this series with the Marlins. Go Phillies! Thanks for reading!

cos i'm nutty nutty nutty for you...

I don't have much time as I have a dinner date at 7pm but I wanted to quick update this. I went to the shore yesterday and attempted to walk on the promenade... got thru 20 mins and I was in absolute hell cos of the bitter cold wind * no wonder I was the only idiot out there!* and so I went inside. But today when I got home after cleaning and organizing and watching the Phillies try to give up a win to the Orioles I went for a 3 mile walk and man did that feel good. I love just putting in my earbuds, turning on Pandora on my phone and just going. I don't even care at this point if I lose weight or what not, I want this for my mental health. I need to think shit out and work through it when I am out there, or inside on my treadmill that everyone wants to buy from me. It's not for sale and it's going in my spare bedroom in my new condo. This week I will know where I am going to be living next. I am hoping it's gwynedd club in north wales, because then I can go to the pool on days I don't have other shit to do and relax and get tan and talk to my neighbors and make friends. I like talking to random people, it's fun. It helps me. I don't want to be a therapist anymore tho, especially after all that happened in the past month cos face it, what the fuck do you say to someone who says to you "yeah, I am addicted to internet porn and I like to show little girls my genitalia"...??? I know I would be trained for that type of issue, but seriously I think my therapist now is the only one who has really helped me and I think it's because she has so much experience. She is 68, god bless her, and I hope she is around for a long time because she is the only one who has really pushed me and gotten thru to me. I have needed that ya know? Ugh, one downfall of walking so much is the hunger pains. Am I going to make it through the next 10 mins? HAHA. Anyways, so that is that, and that's my opinion of some shit. But I am happy to be getting out of that apartment. I can't even sleep in there I get so fucking anxious and worked up because seriously, who the fuck wants a gun in their face after there is all this banging on your bedroom door to get you the fuck up? FIRST THING I see... gun in my face... and I was like um, what the fuck? Did I do something? Then I saw Matt in cuffs when they pushed me out into the living room and told me they had a search warrant for the apartment. Wow. That was a lot to go thru in one fucking morning, then I read the affidavit and the fucking cops are so fucking worried I am pregnant... "are you okay? we don't want to stress you out..." Then don't fucking make me open my door to a gun!!! Assholes. I couldn't sleep at all for like the first week after that. I didn't eat anything for 4-5 days because I was so fucking messed up about this shit. Then all of a sudden food tasted so delicious to me... it was like what the fuck? And then I could eat again. Thank you chinese food from Tung's Garden in Plymouth Meeting. Then I was living on chicken fried rice for a while. Just give me the goddamn rice!!! Haha. Anyways, I am happy that part is over, and I don't want to jinx it but I have been sleeping a bit better. I haven't been taking the zanaflex every night to get to sleep, but I still have been falling asleep without it. I wake up about a million times and I am not dead to the world and I still need like 12 hours but I think my doctor did me some good with putting me on the Tegretol XR. It has helped my mood significantly and I think the fact I am on the right medications right now has helped me to deal with this better emotionally. But technically, it's not so bad because this isn't a borderline issue. Matt was my best friend. I didn't think of him as my lover which makes everything so much more complicated and stressful and I just hate my life when I am in a relationship with someone and I always ALWAYS end up hating them most of the time. It is about sex usually and that's why I keep them around till they go away. And I am so fucking grateful these idiot guys in my life went away. Best present you could ever have given me. But with Matt... it was a close friendship. He is my best friend. He would never have tried to hurt me in anyway, and I know this whole thing wasn't about hurting me. He knows how I felt about him and we were open and honest to each other, and I can honestly say I fucking love that kid. I think I have only ever loved one person and it took me about a year to admit I loved him. The rest was just infatuation and then fucking HATE and there's a thin line between love and hate so you mistake your hate for love. Do you follow me? J. was the only guy I ever loved. I don't think I ever hated him... he was funny and sweet and just different. He wasn't Italian either *Sorry Italian guys!*... he was Irish *happy st. patrick's day!* and just a good guy who went thru a lot of hell because he had a disease. I hope the best for him. My other serious boyfriends: if you know who they are: if you are one of them reading this: I hope they go fuck themselves. I hated you all most of the time... so goddamn annoying. I never hated Matt, and I never will hate Matt. He doesn't annoy the ever living piss out of me. I hope he gets the help he needs. I think he needs to be in a hospital for a year or two for intense one on one therapy. He needs to solve the issues in his head about his Mom dying so young and how it effected him mentally. He is stuck at a young age cos of it, and he wouldn't admit to being sad. He never really showed emotion except when he was manic, and even then it was just aggression. You never really knew what he was thinking. He was always so happy and joking around. You would have no idea he had these deep seeded emotional turmoil issues in his head. I hope he is okay in jail right now and I think he needed to go there first to get the shit scared out of him and to realize "THIS IS WRONG"... but I think he needs hospitalization for a long time like the dude in Silver Linings Playbook. Which I read but didn't see the movie. Won a bunch of Academy Awards. Matthew Quick is the author's name I think, which is interesting cos he is bipolar too. Bipolar disorder is such a complex illness. I don't think everyone who is diagnosed with it has it tho. I really don't. But that's a topic for another time. I am going to buy the new DSM-V when it comes out next month. I am interested in reading the different stuff that is new, cos I have one of the new things that is in it, but it's not that severe YET... It's skin picking. My ears are all fucked up from it. I don't think there is a cure for it. Oh well. I have been kinda OCD lately too, but I don't have OCD. Everyone has it to a point, but I am not having problems functioning in life because of it. So there mental illness... but if you are new to my blog and you are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me: I have bipolar 1 disorder and I have borderline personality disorder. When I feel like the bipolar is under control the borderline comes out. When I feel the borderline is under control the bipolar comes out and I can't function because the anxiety is so bad. Recently I was into the borderline side of me because of a guy. I liked him. I liked him a lot. But because of issues with Matt and shit I had to get away. And after what happened at his home last week I really need to get away from. And it's not because he is violent. I think it is because the way he looks at me I just get so drawn in and it was like that since the day I met him last July or August. I never thought anything would happen and then it did, and I got so caught up in it. I am going to miss him because I found him fascinating. He is really smart and just a beautiful man. And I love his kid. I fucking hate kids and I actually love his. But he is all sorts of fucked up too. I want to be alone. I like my life alone. I have friends and family and occasionally I see certain guys that are friends with benefits like my dear dear ****** who I will be seeing down the shore soon... Kept in touch with him through everything I went through these past couple years, and even tho and idiot loser *illiterate too* told me not to talk to him cos I didn't think it was right he was still talking to his married lover... I kept in touch anyway and talked to him while idiot loser was sleeping. But seriously, why would anyone be okay with your boyfriend/fiance talking to a married woman who is obsessed with you and writes you pathetic love letters. Check this shit out: psycho cunt wrote him a love letter and it was so entirely undeep and horribly stupid and just cheap... like had no substance. When I found it in my apartment and read it I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for leaving that behind. I like laughing at both of you. "ohhh, if things had been different maybe we could be together"... blah blah blah... I think I threw the letter out a long with a bunch of his other shit he left behind. But I really REALLY don't give a fuck about him anymore. He was so annoying and such a loser... I miss Matt so much. He is my best friend and I know he would be laughing so much at the fact we are seeing our buddy KK *Kyle Kendrick* on opening day at Citizens Bank Park. Our buddy. Haha. I am taking Matt's stepsister Gail. She is my buddy. I love her to death and love spending time with her. I haven't seen her in a few weeks but hopefully I will sometime this week. Anyways, time to go. Thanks for reading.

I think I'm breaking down...

Okay, so I felt this needed an update... so here it is...

I am having one of my anxiety ridden days... I've gone like a week without any problems, but back to not sleeping properly and the anxiety is back. So this is going to be brief.

I have a sleep study scheduled for February 11. The doctor thinks I have sleep apnea. Whatever. If they can fix my sleeping problem that would be amazing. But I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks for reading.
-Laura

The Time Traveler's Wife

I'm gonna use this space of the internet to not only talk about my life but to discuss the books I'm reading. I'm thinking of loaning Dan the Time Traveler's Wife as it would appeal to male and female audiences I think.

The book is wonderful. It's a love story about a man named Henry who time travels in and out of his wife's life. Her name is Clare Abshire. At times it's heartwrenching what they go through and other times it's so beautiful and romantic. The ending is sad, but the ultimate ending gives hope. I would recommend this book to everyone. It's got a lot of sex in it, as they are married, but they're also trying to have a child. But that's not the only entertaining part. At times it's LOL funny... other times it's OMG no! You would think it would be hard to understand and sometimes you start thinking about it, like how is this possible? But just keep reading and it is understandable. I want to read Audrey Niffeneger's *the author* next book called "Her Fearful Symmetry" but I'll wait till it's out in paperback next year.

As for the book I read after that called "the Pink Ghetto" it was an interesting story. No real sex. I'd read her again, but I really didn't like how she ended the book and I thought that the beginning of it didn't really fit with the ending. Like in it she gets a puppy from her ex boyfriend who is her roommate and theyre like playing house, then he does the ultimate betrayal to her and the end is like the ultimate backstab for him. It works out in some ways, but in that case, it seems like the ex boyfriend likes her, but then he doesn't? I don't know, it just seemed odd. What I'm reading now is called "Still Thinking of You" and I would be reading it right now if I weren't writing this blog and debating getting dressed.

Yes, I'm debating getting dressed. I don't really have anywhere to go today so I don't know if I should bother, although I did do my hair and a bit of makeup *pulled back with bangs on either side and makeup is tinted moisturizer, lipgloss/lipstick combined and eyeliner and mascara. I curled my lashes for the first time in a decade cos i felt like it, ha!* So I don't know if I'm going to get dressed but I probably will. I had 4 cups of coffee according to my coffee maker which were very good. Now i'm drinking crystal light lemonade. Tomorrow my cousin and her husband and daughter from originally Florida, but now California are coming to my parent's house. So I gotta get to bed a bit earlier tonight to make sure I'm up for that event. I'm getting the Ford Taurus that I hated driving. But maybe since I hated it I won't crash it. It seems cars I dislike have a better chance with me. But it's better than the POS I have rented to me right now. I pick up the Taurus on Friday before I go down the shore for the weekend. Which means Thursday night, stuck at the parent's, and possibly tomorrow for a while since I'm turning in the rental tomorrow.

I may still have to go to court because my asshole doctor won't fill out paperwork. My lawyer is going to try to talk to him, but my asshole doctor won't answer his calls. I know he won't. I'm curious as to what's going to happen the day I see him. I kinda want to cancel my appointment cos he's made me cry before. He doesn't like me. I thought he did cos he once spent a half hour talking to me about random stuff for no reason, but ever since my mom started on him about getting paperwork filled out he's stopped liking me. And it's not okay, because see, I'm on two benzos. One is for anxiety during the day, the other is for sleep. I don't know what other doctor is going to prescribe that, and the thing is IT WORKS! it took me 10 years to find what works that won't put weight on me. So if I go to a different doctor he may try something else. If it's Xanax 3 times a day, maybe then I'll have to live with that, but Ativan seems to really help, plus the 3 Klonopin that I'm supposed to take during the day but I take at night w/ Ativan. I have a lot of problems sleeping because of my anxiety, and I just pray for the day when my anxiety is gone. It can't come soon enough. Or the day I have a child, where the child keeps me up all night to the point where I collapse into natural sleep again. But that's not for a while. And that will only be like 4-5 hours at a time. And it may only be every couple of days. I didn't get the manic end of the bipolar stick, depression likes me best, but I got the anxiety end of the borderline personality stick and it really likes to fuck with me.

My friend Allen Schatz says to hang in and keep the faith, but sometimes it's so hard. I really don't wanna go to court again in February. So I'm hoping my therapist's testimony paperwork is enough to get me out of it. Or she's gonna have to go to court to testify and my mom was saying it costs like thousands of dollars for these other types of lawyers I would have to get. I'm owing my parent's huge chunks of change that I DO NOT HAVE. Where would I be without them?

Anyways, in a few days is Turkey Day and we're going to the Century/Sentry? House for dinner. We always go there. I think I'm done my Christmas list.
So I'm gonna post it here:
The movie “The Way We Were”
Any books by Marian Keyes and Donna Kauffman except for “Dear Prince Charming, the Cinderella Rules, Rachel’s Holiday, Watermelon and Angels”
Lori Foster’s “Jude’s Law” and “Murphy’s Law”
The book “Shutter Island”
The book “The Rules of Attraction”- Bret Easton Ellis
BH 90210 Season 8
Ghostbusters 1 and 2 on DVD
New middle size barrel Curling iron
Body Sprays
Supernatural Seasons 3 and 4
Mani/Pedi from Nail Expressions *right on 202 next to where the old Pudge’s used to be near the nerd shop Infinite Universes*

Anyways, I am gonna get dressed. Then I'm gonna read my book. Thanks for reading. And follow me on Twitter if you're not already. www.twitter.com/me0wmixalot and if you friend me on facebook tell me who you are... www.facebook.com/lwinterbottom cos i won't friend you if we don't have friends in common, you don't tell me who you are, or we have friends in common that I don't speak to.
Oh, soon to come a review of some other books I've read the past couple of months. Like the Cinderella Rules, Dear Prince Charming, Rachel's Holiday, the Lovely Bones and Just Listen.
-Laura

Down as Usual

Can't figure out Adsense. I'll play with it tomorrow.

So I talked to Justin today and again it was hard. And i'm still bothered by that whole Trevor thing. I hate liars. And I hate it when bad people end up hurting good people like myself. Conan is a rerun, so I'm gonna watch Friends at midnight then Sex and the City after that and if I'm still awake some more 90210 season 7.

Wow, reading HTML again. It's been a while.

I don't know if Conan can even make me laugh right now. I don't get why they're showing reruns when Conan has only been on for 3 weeks. Stupid Wimbledon.

I hate anxiety. I want to live in an anxiety-free world.
-laura