So Happy I Could Die and It's Alright

I haven't written in a while. Just haven't really felt like it. My moods have been low recently. They always get like this at the approach of spring. I don't know why. It's really warm out today, and I don't know. I was enjoying being in my car with the AC cranked. Not that I like the winter or anything, I think it sucks and I'm excited baseball season is just about upon us *marvelous in FL by the way* but I don't know. A lot of shit has got me down, especially the prospect of not being able to go to my --- okay my computer turned off right there... ridiculous, yes... and I don't know why... I swear if my computer crashes Dell is going to get an earful...

Anyways, the prospect of not being able to go to my brother's graduation because of my sleeping patterns. I can't sleep and when I do sleep it's for a long period of time to make up for my lack of sleep the other times.

Most of you who are important know what diet plan I'm on. I somehow managed to lose 14 lbs from early January to early March, and then added another 4 lbs last week. I'm following a program. I haven't thrown working out into it yet because I've just been so exhausted. What I don't understand is the people who exercise and shit and don't eat clean. Someone is bbq'ing outside right now, I can smell it, but I have to follow this for now. Even if I am hungry. Okay, now it just smells like the charcoals burning and it smells close by. At least it's not the smell of the Hatfield plant which is just disgusting.

I'm not going to talk about my "relationship" cos that's not what this blog is really for. "You can see my heart beating, you can see it through my chest, that I'm terrified, but I'm not leaving, knowing that I must pass this test, so just pull the trigger..."-- Russian Roullette... Rihanna

Ah, I gotta do homework. I have a rough draft of a paper due tomorrow and I haven't started that yet. Plus the quiz and responding to people on the discussion board. My favorite topic was this week: Personality Disorders. Hopefully, my financial documents got to Ashford in time and I can take the Intro to Clinical Psychology course I want that starts during the last week of this course. I should write most of my paper now, even though I don't feel like it, because then I won't have to do so much when the classes overlap.

Anyways, I get weighed on Tuesday, so hopefully I dropped some more weight. I plan on throwing some intervals into the mix. Just a bit of cardio. When I used to binge on cardio I used to also binge on food. Even though I looked good, I still had issues with eating. I don't want to get back to that.

Let's go Phillies!
Thanks for reading.
-Laura

Pride and Prejudice

I recently have read the book Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen and was expecting it to be a bit better than I thought it was. It takes at least halfway through the book for the story to begin to develop as you have to get the background on everyone really at first. The two character's of Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Darcy don't really get together till the end. It is more than halfway through the story that you find out his attraction to her, and then later her attraction to him. I can see reading this in high school, but not for fun really. I still like to read my post-modern books that may soon be seen as classics when I'm long gone from this life. Honestly, I think kids in school should be reading post-modern work as it is in this time period. Although I did take one of my books that was favorited by me in high school back to my apartment to read once again eventually: Great Expectations. I also look to read some of my Stephen King books that I put on the backburner because they are so long. I am not so sure I want to read Anna Karenina anymore, so I am not going to order it anytime soon. I am looking forward to reading Candace Bushnell's latest come April and then the long awaited *since September!* book by Emily Giffin which got mixed reviews, but her books are always so good, I don't see how there can be any fault with it. My friend Chrissy is hooked on her now. =) She says she wishes her life was like the first book, without the "i'm sleeping with my best friend's fiance" to it. I totally agreed.

Anyways, not much else is going on. I get my CPAP machine on Thursday afternoon. The guy *Joe* is going to show me how to use it. If you don't know what a CPAP machine is, it's for sleep apnea. I found out I stopped breathing over 600 times an hour. Meaning, I never really got sleep. Which would explain my accident. But I really don't want to think about that right now as it's been 5 months since then and it's just not pleasant to think about. Although everytime I look in the mirror and see the scar on my chin from the airbag I am reminded of it. Thanks god!

My 28th birthday has come and gone, and I got some really nice gifts and had a good time at my party. It's my first year in 5 where I haven't gotten roses for Valentine's day. I don't really mind it though. They're a pain in the ass to take care of anyway.

For some reason lately I've been thinking a lot about Oliver and Liz. I dreamt Liz was still alive and that it was all a big joke. I dream that often. I have mixed feelings about how I would respond to that. In the dream I am always upset by it, not even relieved for her to be alive. I don't know why. I always wake up thinking that she's drastically changed my life again, but then realize it's not true. I have to get back in touch with her mother. As for Oliver. I look at his picture and just cry. I tried to relate this to my brother who lost his dog when he got divorced and he said it's been really hard without her. He said he almost went to the pound the other day and rescued a puppy. I think it would be good for him, but he's so busy he wouldn't have the time to give to it. I think once he moves, after he accepts a job. Either in Tampa or Colorado. We all need a companion, whether it be human or an animal. I'd like a kitten but right now I'm here, I'm there, I'm everywhere that I don't think it would be fair to have a kitten just yet. Although I would introduce it to Buddy. =) A kitten is just what the Old Man Buddy needs for his playful streak.

Anyways, I ordered a CD of hynopsis for sleep. I should get it in the mail in the next couple of days. A long with my textbook for class. I forgot we had no mail on Monday cos of President's day, and I expected to have my book today, but alas, I'll have it tomorrow. At least I better. I took a lot of tylenol PM tonight. I'm not gonna say how much because I don't want anyone else to freak out on me because it is MY liver, and there's a disturbed lyric that I really relate to "I want you to quicken my end" so anything to get me out of this shitty predicament that my life has become and meanwhile will put me to sleep I welcome with open arms. Maybe I'll get some sleep tonight, maybe I won't. But, we'll see...
Thanks for reading...
-Laura

Sleep Test etc. etc.

I had the sleep test on Wednesday night and it turns out I do have sleep apnea. I could kinda tell last night when I woke up a bunch of times. Probably because I stopped breathing. I'm still taking Tylenol PM to get to sleep. Along with the Temazepam. Which doesn't really do anything on it's own.

I'm at my parent's house for the night b/c I need to do research for my rough draft of my paper *yes another one* that is due this week.

I got some letters from my lawyer saying my court date is now moved to April 12, so hopefully I won't have to go to court at all. I have the second part of my sleep test tomorrow night in Lansdale. It's kinda interesting. They put you in your own room and they video and audio record you sleeping. It felt like I barely slept cos I was out for like 6 hours and then they woke me up. But it was snowing when I got up. That was kinda fun to wake up to.

Anyways, I'm currently reading "The Dirty Girls Social Club" but it's taking me forever to read cos I haven't had time. I'm not even through the first chapter. Then I'm gonna read "Getting over It" by Anna Maxted whose books I have read a few of. Then "Valley of the Dolls". I found that gem at the paperback trader. I'm tempted to go to that store today, but I'm holding off on it. I also bought "Pride and Prejudice" and "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo". Don't know which order I'll get to those though. I also have 2 other Donna Kauffman books to read. I went on her author's page on Amazon and she looks just like I expected her to look. Which was cool. I like her, she's funny and her books are entertaining. I also have another Lori Foster book to read, and I saw a few of hers at the paperback trader. So I've got lots of reading to do, just gotta make the time. Supernatural and Vampire Diaries are back on on Thursdays. And 90210 and Melrose Place start again on March 9th. That seems forever away.

My birthday is coming up. Can't believe I'm gonna be 28. My brother was married by my age. But he's also divorced *thank god* now. I'm not gonna diss the Poli's, cos it's a waste of breath, but I am so happy to have my brother back.

I should do my quiz for the week for school. Maybe later. I'm not up for it right now.
Thanks for reading.
-Laura

I think I'm breaking down...

Okay, so I felt this needed an update... so here it is...

I am having one of my anxiety ridden days... I've gone like a week without any problems, but back to not sleeping properly and the anxiety is back. So this is going to be brief.

I have a sleep study scheduled for February 11. The doctor thinks I have sleep apnea. Whatever. If they can fix my sleeping problem that would be amazing. But I'm not holding my breath.

Thanks for reading.
-Laura

Cos I'm a free bitch baby!

Happy New Year! Sorry I didn't post at all in December... my mood really dipped low and so I wasn't up for anything really. Even the class I was excited about taking wasn't enjoyable. So I'm hoping my next two courses are. Physiological Psychology is the course that starts tomorrow. We have to keep a weekly journal as an assignment, so at least I don't have to write a paper in week 2! I like keeping a journal for classes on what I think of topics. Reminds me of my days as an English major.

Anyways, Christmas came and went and I got a bunch of good stuff. I don't know if I had my new car yet when I posted this last, was but it's a Ford Taurus. I miss my Explorer but nothing can be done. I don't really want to discuss the accident and the fact that I'm having trouble getting doctors to fill out paperwork but that's what has really been bugging me lately. I'm probably going to lose my license. I don't know how I'm going to get it back. So I'm kinda setting up a home gym in my living room. I'm waiting for my Dad to drop off the stationary bike. I have my treadmill and a bunch of DVD's too. And I need to get my heavier weights back from my neighbor who I lent them to. I may get my 10's here. Wish I had 15's so I could really isolate certain muscles... I would like a 30 lb bar for upright rows. Anyways, I'm getting off track.

I have a lot of appointments this week. One of my new year's resolutions is to try to keep all my appointments. It's gonna be hard cos I'm still having a lot of problems sleeping. But now I'm taking Tylenol PM and on Wednesday when I see the doctor I'm going to ask to try Restoril (temazapam). It says on askapatient.com that is really works, so I'm hoping that's my saving grace. Fuck the Ativan. It doesn't work anymore. But I see a new PCP today. He was my brother's doctor and helped him a lot when he found out he had Type 1 diabetes so I'm hoping he's good. My parent's also switched. So fuck you Linda Nadwodny. Yeah I said your name bitch.

Oh yeah, I dyed my hair burgundy red. I like it. At first I was in shock, and then I liked it, then I didn't, now I like it. It looks alright down to me, especially straight. And getting it straight isn't hard to do thanks to my flat iron and hair dryer. I have Lady Gaga's Paparazzi in my head. I always have this song or Bad Romance by her in my head. I think she's awesome.

Anyways, I hung out with Dan and Matt on New Year's Eve. Brad had a party to go to, so I didn't go to that cos I really wasn't up for partying. Serial sent me video of "Closer" done by Mr. Greengenes on NYE. It's kinda our "song"... lol... I wanna fuck you like an animal... he's actually the one who gave me the idea to try tylenol pm to get to sleep since he's the insomniac king.

Anyways, I've read a bunch of books since I last wrote, but I'm gonna just write about two of them. One I had saved for when my parent's were away in Florida and I read it at their house. It's my 2nd favorite book of 2009. "One Fifth Avenue" by Candace Bushnell *author of Sex and the City*... It was awesome and well done and it was what you expect from Bushnell. If only she put out books more quickly, but at least it's quality and not quantity when it comes to her.
The other book I read while I was at my parent's house was "Push" which is by Sapphire. There is a movie called "Precious" which is based on this book. It was different but interesting. Right now I have about 50 pages left of a Contemporary Romance novel I'm reading. I'm gonna finish it this morning and then read probably the book that goes with it. This one is called "Murphy's Law" and the other one is called "Jude's Law"... theyre both by Lori Foster. I'm gonna have to pick up her book "The Secret Life of Bryan"... she can write a good story. I got a bunch of books for Xmas to read and bought some on my own, so I'm pretty good on books probably till April =) Any suggestions I'm happy to take.

Anyways, till next time, thanks for reading!
-Laura
ps- Phillies pitchers and catchers start soon! About a little more than a month away. At least I have that to look forward to.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I'm gonna use this space of the internet to not only talk about my life but to discuss the books I'm reading. I'm thinking of loaning Dan the Time Traveler's Wife as it would appeal to male and female audiences I think.

The book is wonderful. It's a love story about a man named Henry who time travels in and out of his wife's life. Her name is Clare Abshire. At times it's heartwrenching what they go through and other times it's so beautiful and romantic. The ending is sad, but the ultimate ending gives hope. I would recommend this book to everyone. It's got a lot of sex in it, as they are married, but they're also trying to have a child. But that's not the only entertaining part. At times it's LOL funny... other times it's OMG no! You would think it would be hard to understand and sometimes you start thinking about it, like how is this possible? But just keep reading and it is understandable. I want to read Audrey Niffeneger's *the author* next book called "Her Fearful Symmetry" but I'll wait till it's out in paperback next year.

As for the book I read after that called "the Pink Ghetto" it was an interesting story. No real sex. I'd read her again, but I really didn't like how she ended the book and I thought that the beginning of it didn't really fit with the ending. Like in it she gets a puppy from her ex boyfriend who is her roommate and theyre like playing house, then he does the ultimate betrayal to her and the end is like the ultimate backstab for him. It works out in some ways, but in that case, it seems like the ex boyfriend likes her, but then he doesn't? I don't know, it just seemed odd. What I'm reading now is called "Still Thinking of You" and I would be reading it right now if I weren't writing this blog and debating getting dressed.

Yes, I'm debating getting dressed. I don't really have anywhere to go today so I don't know if I should bother, although I did do my hair and a bit of makeup *pulled back with bangs on either side and makeup is tinted moisturizer, lipgloss/lipstick combined and eyeliner and mascara. I curled my lashes for the first time in a decade cos i felt like it, ha!* So I don't know if I'm going to get dressed but I probably will. I had 4 cups of coffee according to my coffee maker which were very good. Now i'm drinking crystal light lemonade. Tomorrow my cousin and her husband and daughter from originally Florida, but now California are coming to my parent's house. So I gotta get to bed a bit earlier tonight to make sure I'm up for that event. I'm getting the Ford Taurus that I hated driving. But maybe since I hated it I won't crash it. It seems cars I dislike have a better chance with me. But it's better than the POS I have rented to me right now. I pick up the Taurus on Friday before I go down the shore for the weekend. Which means Thursday night, stuck at the parent's, and possibly tomorrow for a while since I'm turning in the rental tomorrow.

I may still have to go to court because my asshole doctor won't fill out paperwork. My lawyer is going to try to talk to him, but my asshole doctor won't answer his calls. I know he won't. I'm curious as to what's going to happen the day I see him. I kinda want to cancel my appointment cos he's made me cry before. He doesn't like me. I thought he did cos he once spent a half hour talking to me about random stuff for no reason, but ever since my mom started on him about getting paperwork filled out he's stopped liking me. And it's not okay, because see, I'm on two benzos. One is for anxiety during the day, the other is for sleep. I don't know what other doctor is going to prescribe that, and the thing is IT WORKS! it took me 10 years to find what works that won't put weight on me. So if I go to a different doctor he may try something else. If it's Xanax 3 times a day, maybe then I'll have to live with that, but Ativan seems to really help, plus the 3 Klonopin that I'm supposed to take during the day but I take at night w/ Ativan. I have a lot of problems sleeping because of my anxiety, and I just pray for the day when my anxiety is gone. It can't come soon enough. Or the day I have a child, where the child keeps me up all night to the point where I collapse into natural sleep again. But that's not for a while. And that will only be like 4-5 hours at a time. And it may only be every couple of days. I didn't get the manic end of the bipolar stick, depression likes me best, but I got the anxiety end of the borderline personality stick and it really likes to fuck with me.

My friend Allen Schatz says to hang in and keep the faith, but sometimes it's so hard. I really don't wanna go to court again in February. So I'm hoping my therapist's testimony paperwork is enough to get me out of it. Or she's gonna have to go to court to testify and my mom was saying it costs like thousands of dollars for these other types of lawyers I would have to get. I'm owing my parent's huge chunks of change that I DO NOT HAVE. Where would I be without them?

Anyways, in a few days is Turkey Day and we're going to the Century/Sentry? House for dinner. We always go there. I think I'm done my Christmas list.
So I'm gonna post it here:
The movie “The Way We Were”
Any books by Marian Keyes and Donna Kauffman except for “Dear Prince Charming, the Cinderella Rules, Rachel’s Holiday, Watermelon and Angels”
Lori Foster’s “Jude’s Law” and “Murphy’s Law”
The book “Shutter Island”
The book “The Rules of Attraction”- Bret Easton Ellis
BH 90210 Season 8
Ghostbusters 1 and 2 on DVD
New middle size barrel Curling iron
Body Sprays
Supernatural Seasons 3 and 4
Mani/Pedi from Nail Expressions *right on 202 next to where the old Pudge’s used to be near the nerd shop Infinite Universes*

Anyways, I am gonna get dressed. Then I'm gonna read my book. Thanks for reading. And follow me on Twitter if you're not already. www.twitter.com/me0wmixalot and if you friend me on facebook tell me who you are... www.facebook.com/lwinterbottom cos i won't friend you if we don't have friends in common, you don't tell me who you are, or we have friends in common that I don't speak to.
Oh, soon to come a review of some other books I've read the past couple of months. Like the Cinderella Rules, Dear Prince Charming, Rachel's Holiday, the Lovely Bones and Just Listen.
-Laura

So Sorry...

So Sorry to those who actually read this, but I haven't felt like writing the past week. But I'll update really quick.

Went to court Monday. Didn't lose my license. There's a whole other issue involved with that but I'm not going to talk about it because I don't want to get in trouble for slander.

My teacher for this course accused me of plagiarism. This class is almost over, so I'm not dealing with it. I have enough to deal with as it is. I'll be cited by the university, and she can go back to having her students call her something so she seems like she is younger than she actually is which is OLD. I spoke w/ her on the phone and she sounded like a tired old cranky bitch. I have some options for her, but again, I don't want to get in trouble for slander.

Thanks for reading. I'm currently reading the Time Traveler's Wife and it's good so far. I'll post again sometime soon.
-Laura