You seem to think that you can save me save me...

So tomorrow it will be a year since my wonderful and beautiful aunt Annie passed away from brain and lung cancer... the one thing no there are multiple things I wish I had done with her that I never got to do...I do remember shooting the shit with her on my aunt Carol's front porch on an Easter Sunday talking about how we wanted to go to Amsterdam... little Amsterdam... in a southern town...I had a clue at the time that she smoked but I wasn't positive.. I smoked at the time but I didn't tell anyone in my family ...anyway so last summer when I saw my cousin heather she told me my aunt was still smoking the gang a till she was in the hospital and you know what? I totally support that...I think it helps everything... fuck Reagan for saying that it is the most dangerous drug in the world... what the fuck? You are the stupidest motherfucker in the world for ever saying that...I wish I could move to Colorado just so I could get help legally and smoke it and feel good... but anyways this post isn't about weed...its going to be about a lot of things... Annie was a beautiful woman...she had a rough life and a lot of things in my life mirror hers and I have learned from some of the shit she has gone through... I need my family...my cousins... I love my cousins heather and danny... you guys are the shit...you are my blood my core...
so shit has gotten real the past few days...I have been having issues sleeping because I have gotten paranoid because of the way the attorney general burst into my apartment and woke me up with their gun drawn and in my face...I love how my mom actsl like telling people about it will get it out of my head...well it fucking won't...lord help me...I am in therapy getting the help I need before shit gets worse...my addictions are coming out but I don't know what to do to get a grip on them at this point...I really don't think I can worry about that...I need to get thru...just trying to get thru...if I see matt I swear I will beat him to a bloody pulp and with my words will tear him a new asshole that will hurt even more than the one he will get raped in jail when they tell him to squeal like a pig boy!  Just wait till the shit I tell u matt about what I did...and the shit I am gonna do to u while u are gone...u think u hurt now...u are gonna wish u never lived... trust me... since I was 13 Ohhhh the age of the girls u like...anyway since I was that age people have told me they don't ever want to be on my bad side...well guess what...fucking little girls...well that's on my bad side...doing it in my apartment...that's on my bad side... trying to marry me...trying to get me into that shit... trying to bring that into a house my dad would buy for us? Ohhhh you fucked up... you are left with nothing and no one... saying you are going to dinner with my family on Thanksgiving but then you could stuff the 13 year old? Fuck you... you know what? Fuck you... you know what else? Fuck you? I want your balls smashed eat shit bastard...you acted like my asshole ex should be crucified for punching me in the face... yeah that was fucked up but this is a million times worse... this is a betrayal behind my back...and you acted like it was because I wasn't attracted to u...well maybe if you got off you fat ass and stopped drinking a gallon of milk a day and maybe walked on my treadmill... try... now you have no choice... now you can look good for your boyfriend Bubba in prison... fuck you for doing this fuck you fuck you fuck you...
I cannot shake the taste of blood of blood in my mouth ive come to think that its all good and all over now you seem to think that you can save me save me because I'm trying to get thru...
Yeah so I butchered them but u get the point...I am just trying to get thru without another trip to the clinic or rehab or something special...

I love you aunt Annie... I miss you...I know you would tell me to fuck men...to do what I want and that I could do what I want... I wish I could have had that convo with you last year after loser left... I don't even really remember why now tho... but anyway I will always remember you...
I don't know what else to say...

muscle cars drove a truck right thru my heart...

Another week, down. One more week till my long vacation at the shore although I am going tomorrow for a few days. I'll probably get even more color again. Hooray for not being pale and ugly! lol... My bff Jackie is probably coming down during the 2 weeks I am there... and Matt is coming down the 2nd week I am there. He's going to be bored without me at home aren't ya Matthius? My brother and his gf are coming into town next Thursday or Friday. I can't wait. Should be a good time. I look forward to seeing how they train. I had a good workout this morning. Did twice the amount of time as usual on the stepper. I enjoy it a lot and will either take a mile or 2 mile walk tomorrow down the shore. I did 2 miles when I was there last week but didn't take water and it was soooo freakin hot. I got thru it tho, but the 2nd mile was killer. I won't do that again. Next time I'll take water especially since it's supposed to be pretty hot there tomorrow. Been really watching what I am eating. We went to a buffet last night but it was so terrible that Matt and I didn't even eat the food we got. It was so gross. It was Jim's Buffet in Lansdale. It was awful. I recommend never going there. I've dropped 3 sizes. I'm going by how my clothes feel and fit and not by the scale cos the scale is a pain in the ass. I look a lot thinner now too. Can't wait to be back to my thin self again. Being heavy is so unhealthy and unattractive. As for the Phillies, the trade deadline has passed and Pence went to the Giants and Victorino went to the Dodgers. I'll miss Pence and Shaney had a lot of heart being here and was an integral part of the 2008 World Series Championship. But times have passed and they seem to be doing better now that they made the trades. Eric Kratz has been wonderful and except for the error Kevin Frandsen has been good too. I think they just needed to get a new group together. Lee even looked really good the other night against Strasburg which surprised me. I'm sick of being on my computer so I'm going to wrap this up. I'm hardly ever on my computer anymore. Not even facebook. I don't even go on it on my phone. It's such a waste of time. It's high school shit I think. I may even get rid of my fb account so no LOSERS can spy on me. Wish I had the time to spy on him, but basically, I really don't give a shit. I feel sorry for whoever he dates next because I had horrible stress headaches from that relationship and they went away for good once he was out of my life. THANK GOD. I wish I had left him and told him to get out the first time he jumped on me and started strangling me cos I woke him up. He's abusive and the next chick will probably be abused by him too. He abused his daughter and left a welt on her. That's HORRIBLE. You don't beat your kids. He also lies about it too and says I gave him a black eye when he had black eyes from the day I met him. I bet he's wondering why they're permanent. Cos you're the dumbass who doesn't know how to get sleep and get rid of them. He's an awful person and I am so happy he is out of my life. I should have pressed charges against him when I was in the hospital and the doctors were telling me to. They saw the marks he left on my face from when he punched me. I was afraid to tho because he put fear in me. Anyways, ladies learn from this... walk away from abusive relationships. It's not worth the pain and stress they put you thru. It's better to be with someone who is a good person *like my love Matt* and be treated like the queen you are then to be supporting a deadbeat father of 3 children with 3 different mothers *can we say male slut?*, toothless, lying, uneducated high school dropout, ugly prick who has no drive except to live on Facebook and act like he knows how to ummm "produce" music. That's really funny. Making crap on your computer doesn't mean you can "produce" anything. Especially since it all sucked. Amen. Okay, now that I got that out, onto more important things in my next posts. =)) Like how wonderful life has been lately. I'm going to get ready for my dentist appointment. Thanks for reading. -laura

In my platforms I hit the floor... fell facedown, it didn't help my brain out...

*the title is because I have been getting a lot of wear out of my platforms that I bought a few weeks ago.* Today and the rest of this past week have been good. Life has been really good lately. I'm looking forward to going to the shore this weekend, then the Phillies/Giants game on Sunday with Matt. Hopefully they will win and it will be the first game I see them win this year besides the On Deck preseason game they won with Hamels. *Hollywood Hamels as we like to call him. He is so hot. So is most of the team tho.* Anyways, I had therapy today and I worked out this morning after going to Double TT for breakfast and having a few good cups of coffee. I am enjoying working out, its just when I go a lot of people are using the machines and it gets kind of annoying when you are trying to work thru a circuit and people are taking their grand old time with it. Oh well. I am going to incorporate working out more than just once a day into my schedule. When I am down the shore I am going to walk daily and maybe do some ab exercises along with plyos. That's always fun and it will keep me from gaining weight back while I am going out to eat every night I am down there. I will be there for about 2 weeks, but am coming back so I can go to another Phillies game with Matt, his sister, his Dad and his Dad's girlfriend and our friend Rich. Rich is a nice guy. Matt finally introduced me to him, and he said I was a keeper or something to that effect. Matt and I talk about getting married someday but right now I don't want to be in a relationship. Altho we practically are. But I have been trying to maintain my independence for as long as I can. Loser really fucked with my head *You promised me heaven, but put me thru hell.* That's the perfect way to describe it. He really was full of shit. But I don't want to waste my time or energy on someone who is a waste of space and a deadbeat father. What was I thinking getting involved with someone like him? I think I was desperate... that's what I had to be. But I'm certainly not desperate now. Anyways, I have been eating a lot better *Just had some string cheese that Mr. Buddy was eyeballing me for* and I have been reading a lot about diet and exercise. Trying to keep healthy things around me and keep motivated to work out everyday for at least 30 mins. The weight is flying off me, which is wonderful. I hope people don't recognize me. But eventually I will be at that stage. Oh god, windows is being a pain in the ass again, so I am going to wrap this up unofruntatley cos I can't see what I am typing. Okay, maybe I have fixed it now. Anyways, I am going to try to update this regularly, and to keep a log of things I do and opinions I have and such. Writing is so cathartic. I also have some ideas for some short stories to write. And I will read read read. Reading is so important if you want to be able to be a good writer. I just wish I could figure out what the hell Windows wants from me in order to not have it pulling at the whole screen. Oh well. I think I am going to go and make some dinner and then finish Nantucket Nights by Elin Hildebrand. Matt bought me another one of her books last night, and after I'm done this I'm going to read something else, but I'm not sure what exactly yet. I think for my few weeks down the shore I'm going to read The Host by Twilight author Stephenie Meyer. And also a book by Marian Keyes, but I haven't decided which one yet. I also will probably bring down I Remember You by Harriet Evans. And probably something short and sweet as well. I plan on reading a lot while I am there. I am not sure what I am going to read next because I plan on taking something to the shore with me on Friday. But if I read a lot of it by Thursday, then I won't be able to take it. So I'll see. I'll have to check out what I have, because I've been going thru books so fast lately. Anyways, maybe I'll post again later, but probably I won't until tomorrow because if I write later, it's going to be a short story.