so I will go on until the end... say whatever you want, it really don't mean anything...

So I am in my new home right now just listening to music after getting a good night's sleep... I have been trying to update this like every day but I keep putting it off. So I finally am now. I am so happy in my new home and the fact that I am actually calling it "home" says a lot. I never felt like I was at home at Pleasant Grove... and on Olli's birthday on May 13, I am going to bring his ashes here so they are with me like they always needed to be. For four years I didn't live with them and now I feel like I finally can. I am so blessed to be able to live here. If I can figure out how to upload pictures from my phone onto my computer or onto blogger itself I will. I promise I will work on this. =)) But I will give a quick description: Right now I am sitting in my living room, was going to sit outside in my garden/alcove thing but it's still a bit chilly for that. But I am actually using my couch for now and I am very happy to be doing so because I really like this couch but I hated that fucking living room at PG. It's a very spacious living room and I still need an area rug and also a coffee table. Right now I am using a wooden folding table I got at Walmart for like $9 which was a pretty good deal. But I have a fireplace in here which I really honestly don't know how to use but the realtor or someone actually went over what I need to do to use it. But I don't like getting really really hot so for now I am not gonna use it. But anyways, so I have 4 windows downstairs and they overlook the garden/alcove. I am probably going to plant a tree this summer out in the garden. It will be nice. The dining room is across from where I am sitting right now and I purposely made it very sparse so it looks very formal. In the living room where I am sitting right now is my TV and sofa I just raved about it. I have my two chairs in here too and I just realized they match my dining room. I am going to take my little dustbuster and make sure there are no crumbs or anything on them. I want everything to be spotless. My OCD is coming out. I am doing little changes each day to make this place my own. I decorated the downstairs bathroom a little bit so that it is more my personal touches. So upstairs there are 2 bedrooms and a full bathroom with a washer dryer. I am in love with that machine! LOL. I use it almost every day because I like to have my full wardrobe as an option to look at to decide what to wear. HAHA. So in the spare bedroom I have my treadmill and my bookshelf and desk and I have a pretty large closet. In my main bedroom I have a walk in closet that I love already. This house is just wonderful and very cozy and like I said I am very blessed I get to live here. If I ever get my rebate money I am going to buy a new flatscreen TV for my living room. Although right now looking at my TV set up I kinda like it the way it is, so who knows? Maybe I will just take my parent's out for a fancy dinner or something instead. I need to call Home Instead *the place that I will probably be working for soon* today... All of my references checked out and I was going to do orientation this week, but it looks like I will be doing it next week instead. Thankfully I have been able to get up at reasonable hours this week here even when I haven't been able to sleep. I need some time to get used to my new surroundings I think in order to sleep really really well and easily. But I know it is always going to be a struggle to fall asleep. It's just the story of my life. But I have the muscle relaxer to help that. Thank god for muscle relaxers... nothing else works, and sometimes this doesn't even work. But at least the majority of the time it does. So I have war wounds from the move and shit. My right arm looks like I have been shooting up cos of it getting caught and bruised on boxes and shit... And that rash still hasn't gone away completely and it looks like it may have actually started up again to be honest so I am wondering if I ate or drank something that did it. It was supposedly stress before, and I think that is what started it up but I think now something else could be aggravating it. Who knows? I still need to see a dermatologist and I am going in the beginning of May to a specialist at the hospital and they are going to refer me to whoever they think I should see. But I am pretty worried they are going to say I am doomed for skin cancer. Which I say I probably am but honestly I haven't really accepted it yet. But they say caffeine can really stunt the growth of cancer, and I am a straight up caffeine junkie... so maybe that helps? People tell me to stop my caffeine addiction all the time because they think it will help me sleep better but I can drink a cup of coffee and fall right to sleep so I really don't know what it is doing. But if the benefits are to help me heal the longterm sun damage I did with the exposure to tanning beds and laying on the beach till I was practically black when I am naturally extremely fair, then fuck no am I going to stop drinking caffeine. Besides, I like the dietary effects. It really stunts eating. I also like that coffee has so few calories in it. I drink a lot of espresso too, it's not just coffee anymore. I was ordering coffee beverages everyday when I left the house and getting double shots of espresso but now I can just make it at home since I have the espresso ground already that I got from Giant. God bless Giant for offering that, and for also making such good french roast coffee. But it's not just coffee I drink, I have these crystal light energy packets that I use when I don't have time to quick drink a cup of coffee... they work wonders too. I am just not extremely thrilled about the flavor but when I get my money at the beginning of next month I will look for other flavors at the grocery store but I fear it is like orange. Yuck. But if I mix the strawberry with a bit of raspberry lemonade it's decent. HAHA. *Stacey or Chrissy- do you know who I just thought of when I said that word? DECENT. 15-16 years later and it still NEVER GETS OLD!* I want to thank you, my readers for actually reading this pathetic excuse for a blog. I am glad someone actually finds this interesting. I would like to read more blogs too so if you leave me a comment or just a link to your page, I will check it out. I will be honest, I am happy to be back using my laptop or netbook whatever the fuck it is. But I didn't use it from the day Matt was arrested till Sunday when I got internet here at the house. I just couldn't bring myself to for some reason. They didn't take it or anything and they didn't take my phone either although they were considering it. THANK FUCK... I would have been seriously SERIOUSLY pissed off. But anyways, I am avoiding the topic of Matt right now and I think for this entire post because I just am pissed off still and I feel like he is doing nothing to amend what he did but sit in jail. I told him the other night that what he is doing isn't good enough, and that I feel he is calling me and talking to me because he doesn't have a friend in the world. But seriously if he doesn't get help or even begin trying to get started on fixing his severe psychological issues, he is going to lose me entirely as well. I don't have time for people who want to wallow in a life of psychological problems. I didn't answer his 4 calls in 40 minutes last night because I honestly really just can't deal with it all sometimes. We all tried to get him help we did, and he wouldn't take it... and it was a thousand fucking times worse than we ever knew. So really, excuse me for not wanting to deal with it some days. Besides, I am blissfully happy with my new situation and living arrangements and I want to enjoy it thoroughly while I can. I am going to be selfish. I don't give a fuck what anyone says because I gave in to what everyone else wanted from me for most of my life. Finally, I am 31 and I am going to live my life my way because forever I did what others, who weren't doing shit for me, wanted me to. I don't need a little girl to live with me calling me selfish because I needed to get out of PG and live somewhere else. Was she on crack? Goddamn, it never would have worked out living with her and with what she said to me I would have kicked her out of my apartment after a day if she tried to pull this shit on me. RESPECT. All I want is respect, and because so many people have refused to give it to me, like Matt, well, I am sorry I am better off existing for myself and my family. My family has come to become the most important thing to me. I worked a long long LONG fucking time to have a good relationship with my family and I am not going to sacrifice that just because someone is STUCK in their own shit. Just, NO. Well, that was sort of exhausting to go on about because some people that were in my life were just exhausting to be around. But yeah, I am very happy to be close with my family now. Because at the end of the day, if you don't have your family, what do you have? So I think I am going to wrap this blog post up and add a makeup tip to my other blog. Thanks for reading and I will figure out a way to post pictures soon!

into the flood again, same old trip it was back then...

So I am down the shore for a few days just enjoying the quiet that is the weekends here for now... till it picks up next month. I couldn't really sleep, but what else is new? So I decided to get up. At first my anxiety was really bad, but now I am just tired, so it went away. I am making some eight oclock french roast coffee... wish I had some espresso. But I will probably hit Wawa for that later. I am listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora as usual. I really love that station. I am gonna go for a walk/run after breakfast or something... after I have had a healthy dose of caffeine, because right now I would just collapse probably after like only a mile, and I want to do 3. I was talking to my brother about how when you start out it is hard, but then you get into your flow and rhythmn and then it just is enjoyable. I forgot how much I enjoy working out, and since it helps lose weight, and shit like that, it's like I can eat. Instead of starving myself and being miserable. I can't eat anything I want, but I can actually eat. I forgot how much more enjoyable the spring and summer months are because I can eat. Also, baseball is such a wonderful part of these seasons. I always miss it so much and am so happy when it comes back. I want to go to another game next month, but if not then, that June 1 definitely, in the suite. I don't think I will be sitting behind the dugout anytime soon. We don't know what is going to happen with Matt yet. I told him I will be his friend. That's the best I can do. I don't know what else to tell him. He told me on Tuesday that he was kinda upset with what I told him when we talked on the phone last week, but then when I talked to him again, he said he understood that he needs to hear the truth. And I told him I want to get past this with him, and that if I didn't, I just wouldn't talk to him anymore. I know he needs some sort of hope. I think he deserves that much. But I haven't hurt myself on purpose since the day he was taken away. I just needed to stop doing that. It had gotten to a bad point, so I stopped. It wasn't helping the situation at all. *I have a great view of the ocean right now and it's really pretty wavy... I wonder if it is windy or something...* There was something else about Matt I wanted to say but it flew right out of my head like thoughts do all the time... fleeting... I hate that. Damn it, I really can't remember. Anyways, so I didn't notice till just now that they are working on repairing the dunes down here. When I go out for my hour I will check it out more. But there was a guy walking on the part they are fixing and I thought he looks weird. He looked so much bigger than he should have, but he was walking on the pile of sand. HA! I was seriously like WTF? Pandora stopped on my Dad's computer so I don't have music right now, but I may put it on on my phone. I thought I had more to write about but I really don't. You can follow me on twitter.com/me0wmixalot if you want... it's the place where I get to chat about the Phillies with a bunch of fun people. Phillies should sweep this series with the Marlins. Go Phillies! Thanks for reading!

oh darling darling darling...but I can't feed on the powerless when my cup's already overfilled...

So, we went to the Phillies home opener... and I somehow made it there with my car... my car is in the shop now... I am gonna need a new one, so I probably will try and get one by the end of the year... I would like a Honda Pilot... but anyways, the Phillies lost the home opener... I sorta knew they would. I had some hope when they scored runs early, but the problem this year seems to be the fact that they can't hold a lead... it sucks... oh well... I am using a lot of ellipses here, I want to try and stop. HA! But they won the second home game, it was pretty awesome to watch. I love me some Kevin Frandsen and he hit the walk off to end the game in the bottom of the ninth. I don't count them down and out yet, because it is only April and they always struggle in April. I am worried about Doc though. He has something going on, and I think it's a mental thing, cos it sure isn't a physical thing. When your mental health ain't right, then that fucks up everything. I hope he gets better. But they told me in the hospital last year that he attempted suicide at one point in his career because of the stress and how he was doing. I would hate for him to go through that again. Watching him pitch and struggle is really really REALLY hard on me. I have never met that man but I look at him as like a father figure. He helped this team through so much and I don't want people booing him. He is trying his hardest. I just really hate seeing him struggle. It's rough. It's a dark time for Philly sports. Even the Flyers are almost down and out for the season... but it's cos of the fucking shortened season. Stupid stupid NHL and their lockout. Retarded. The lady at the job place I applied to last week just got my references yesterday because I didn't really know who to ask for professional since I haven't worked in so long. But she has been calling everybody today. So that is a good sign. I only want to work like 10-15 hours for now. I think I could handle that, and it will give me some extra money for some good things I want, but I really plan on saving money, so that I don't have to work my ass off at like Christmas time and shit. You know how it is. *with my feet upon the ground I lose myself...-- Lateralus, TOOL* Writing in my blog reminds me of how Carrie Bradshaw writes in her column in Sex and the City and what soon will happen in one of my new favorite shows The Carrie Diaries... I am trying not to be pissed off that it is one of the reasons 9O21O was canceled. I watch the other reason it was canceled too... it's called The Following... it is incredible and I swear to god the guy who plays the serial killer in it is soooooo effin hot. Why am I attracted to guys with severe mental problems or addicts? I don't get it. Like you can tell me a guy has an addiction to some drug or alcohol and he becomes like a million times more attractive to me. I DUNNO... haha, say that like Eddie in Christmas Vacation says it. Matt would laugh at that with me. Matt looks pretty good. Better than I expected. He has lost like 30 pounds. I knew he would. He is gonna be a stunner. Haha. I always told him he had the potential to be that, and he actually likes me, so maybe someday things will be different. Maybe I won't be wandering around looking at another guy... *Cos I threw you the obvious and you flew with it on your back, a name in your recollection, down among a million saved...* If I am physically attracted to someone I am loyal. I can see myself being loyal to Matt entirely. But would he be loyal to me? He has a wandering eye as well, but I personally think it's cos of the way we understood the relationship. He needs to get through his time in jail though. He really needs to get help for his addiction. He has an addiction to internet porn. It is weird, I know. But I also think it all stems from psychological distress that happened when he was a kid. I am trying to study this stuff as much as I possibly can without going to school. But school never made me really think deeply about shit unless it was when I was an English major. Thank you to my English professors at Widener for teaching me how to look into things. Without that I would have never learned how to really delve in Psychology. Because Psychology teachers really just want to give you facts. They don't want you to really get deep into shit. Although when you do talk about that kind of stuff they think it is amazing. You should expect that of everyone though. It is psychology you know? It is thinking about lots of things. This blog is going by a lot easier than I thought it would. I didn't think I had much to write about, but once I start flowing, I can go. Ha! McDonald's has any sized iced coffee for $1. So I added 2 shots of espresso to it, and now I am wired. I just don't want to crash. I am used to the Saxbys espresso and yeah, I usually do crash from that... but it takes about 6 hours before that happens. I am going to visit Matt in a few hours, so I decided not to go up to the apartment to pack today. I am almost done though. Next is the kitchen, then odds and ends. I figure I will need like 3-4 boxes for the kitchen cos it's mostly the shit in the cabinets and I can't exactly pack the freezer and fridge stuff yet. I will take that the day I move. Yaaaaay Nutshell is on. This is like my new favorite Alice In Chains song. I am constantly listening to Alice in Chains radio on Pandora. The anniversary of Layne's death passed. 11 years. April 5th. But no one knew he was dead for like 2 weeks. I think of that. He was like 80 lbs when they found him. Just awful. His music really is incredible. I wish I had seen them when I was in high school like I had wanted to. But since I didn't drive till I was 17 and didn't have a car till I was 18 I really couldn't go into Philly. And my parent's always made it seem like going into Philly was a hassle. It really isn't. I mean, I went into Philly for the home opener *If I can't find my own, I'd be better dead...* in my piece of shit car and it was having so many problems, yet I still made it. Yeah parking is a bitch, but if you can fucking move and walk you're fine. I walk so much every single day and run too. Today I think I am going to take the day off. But if you're in shape and shit walking is really not a problem. Which reminds me, I am going to do the NAMI walk... National Alliance for Mental Illness... It is at Montgomery County Community College... I am going to be on Sherri's team... I think I should let her know that. I am also going to volunteer up there tomorrow, if I have my car back... if not, maybe my Mom can give me a ride... *i sold my soul to make a record dipshit and then you bought one...if i'm the fuckin man then you're the fuckin man as well so you can point that fuckin finger up your ass...* I like to keep busy and do something everyday so I am tired, and then I collapse on the couch when I get home at night, haha... I am setting up the cable in my new home for upstairs and downstairs because I want to make sure I can get the music choice stations upstairs and downstairs... I have a fireplace which someday I am going to modernize and make into an electric one because right now I have no clue how to work a regular one... but someday I will use it... for now it will remain unused... I don't like how hot fireplaces make houses though anyway... I am warm blooded or something and always hot or warm, and like never cold, so I really don't need it. I have a dining room which is pretty nice... I would like to get a new tablecloth for my kitchen table... I would like a blue and white checkered one... My mom has one so maybe I will ask her if I can borrow or have it... I think it would look pretty spiffy... anyways, I am getting carried away talking about random shit, so I think I will wrap this up... just one other thing... so I think I am going to start writing a makeup blog... I may start that right now, just set it up and shizzle... maybe I can get some more readers, although this is more like a journal for people who know me to read and keep up on what is going on with me. My real REAL journal is in my handbag... it's a tiny blue book where I write random shit and thoughts and lyrics down... it helps me keep myself mentally clear. Anyways, thanks for reading!

when will you wake up? I want you more than the stars and the sun...

I had this song in my head when I woke up and now as I was trying to sleep I had it in my head again. I have been having a lot of dreams about that guy that I had to kinda was forced to end things with. But I am hopeful that maybe someday something will happen again, but right now he needs to get his shit together... Anyways, I saw Matt today at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility. He looked a lot better than I expected him to look. He had just gotten a hair cut and had shaved and he has lost at least 20 lbs. He said 10 in his letter, but it's gotta be at least 20 by now. I am not happy with how they are treating him, but he hasn't been complaining about that at all. I think he feels he deserves it. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Especially from assholes that just work there. And most of the idiots working these facilities are the scum of the earth. He doesn't need this kind of shit. Matt has been an underdog his whole life. He deserves something to go right. And yes, I understand what he did was horribly wrong, but he is in the wrong place. He needs to be in a mental health facility. He needs help and deserves to get help. His family and me and my family all deserve to see him get better as well. But yeah we got to talk a little about baseball. I miss him so much and just shooting the shit with him about baseball. I am gonna delete the app that blocked his number and see if I can redownload it without it adding the number back on to block. I shot my love today... would you cry for me? I lost my head again... would you lie for me? This song came on Pandora. I started a new account for my Dad on his computer. I just can't bring myself to use my computer yet. I haven't opened it since all this shit went down on February 21. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It's for an elder care agency. If I get into it, I do. If I don't, I don't. No harm no foul. I will still have my disability money. And I can always calls the OVR. They are supposed to help with this stuff. It's funny when I was laying in bed trying to sleep I had a million thoughts flying in my head and now that I am sitting here writing, I am having trouble trying to remember them. Ain't nobody got time for that! I am moving into the Gwynedd Club in a few weeks. My Dad hasn't told me a settlement date yet. But we told Kyle this morning that I am going to be out of Pleasant Grove by May 1. I plan on going up there to pack again in the next few days. I just gotta do the closet in the living room hallway and the kitchen mostly. I need to clear off my vanity too. I also need to pack my shit up that is here, but I will do that when I am ready to start living at my new home. Home. What a beautiful word. Haha. Most of the time I think that word and think of tripping. I forget why we always called it coming home... I haven't tripped in like 10 years and I don't plan on doing it ever again unless someone like spikes my drink with Nyquil or something, but I think I would notice that. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a fun brunch with my parent's, my Aunt Alice and my Aunt Carol and Uncle Warren. Everyone was drinking at breakfast and I really have a fun time when my parent's are lit. They are oblivious that they are and that they are so loosened up. They just get so much friendlier. I wonder if I was like that. Too bad I couldn't control my drinking. It doesn't bother me when other people drink at all. Some people get so upset when people are shit face wasted, but I really don't care. As long as you're not driving somewhere and you don't try to get me to drink, that's your business. But I also don't want shit for doing what I enjoy fun and relaxing that would be considered unsober. I respect you, you respect me. Kapish? Is that how you spell that? Haha. I don't even know. Aw, I love this fucking song so much. Nutshell by Alice in Chains. "We chase misprinted lies We face the path of time And yet I fight And yet I fight This battle all alone No one to cry to No place to call home My gift of self is raped My privacy is raked And yet I find And yet I find Repeating in my head If I can't be my own I'd feel better dead " Sorry for the depressing lyrics, but like Kurt Cobain says in his final message to world: "Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel... pain." No matter how happy and good I feel, I am still so sad and lonely and depressed. And when I come down from a particularly good time in my head I have a nasty spill. It's just bad. But I try to cope. I try not to get into too dark and deep a hole where I can't dig myself out. But sometimes you just gotta cry. I haven't hurt myself in a little over a month. I am trying really hard not to. Almost did last night, and well, I kinda did, but because it wasn't the normal method for me I don't count it. Maybe I am just in denial. Who knows? Maybe I am just in denial about everything. Maybe my life is one big denial. Deny deny deny. Maybe I am not as good and feeling as great as I say I am and that's why I do half the shit I do, but hey listen... if I am getting by and getting shit done day by day and not living in my bed and actually am out there, then it's gotta be better than it has been in the past, right? I really didn't even want to work on my resume today. I just wanted to lay in bed. I got done a lot of shit tho even tho I didn't really put much effort into that. Then my Mom was pushing me into doing some other thing to help my mental health and it's like, I don't want to be nonstop going. Going from nothing to nonstop activity is not my life's goal. 10 hours a week with work is good enough for me. I need to move ya know? That's gonna take time. I want to enjoy doing stuff at my new home, and I want to read read read. And I want to cook and learn new recipes and shit. I want to just be. No, I don't have Matt right now *in the physical sense* but I am not completely lost. Will I be going to as many Phillies games this year? Probably not. But I am going to go to a few at least. I will have a pool to hang around on the weekend. I want to see my family more, because family has become so important to me. I want to do stuff. But I don't want to be up at the buttcrack of dawn or 900am everyday. I like to sleep in because I can't fall asleep most nights. Like tonight... it's almost 2am. I went to bed at 11pm and couldn't fall asleep so I decided to write a blog after tossing and turning for 2 hours. I still wonder and try to figure out every single day what happened to me that caused me not to be able to sleep. To have such an issue. It just doesn't make sense. I think tonight is going to be one of those completely sleepless nights which is unfortunate since I have to go to the job interview, but oh well. I also think it's funny how so many people tell me to stay away from caffeine... today I didn't have any and today is the day I can't fall asleep. I bought a coffee coolatta with a shot of espresso but I didn't drink any of it. Maybe if I drink it now... haha. Anyways, so I am thinking of making an appointment with a dermatologist for the sun damage on my face and to make sure I don't have any skin cancers anywhere on my body that I don't see. I am pleased with my Philosophy Hope in a Jar cream because it really has helped with the exfoliation is does and makes my skin appear smoother. I also am using an Anew by Avon facewash that works really well with the Hope in a Jar. I got the Smashbox CC Cream that they just came out with last week. Well, at the stores that is. Sephora stores. It was available online but it wasn't in stores yet to clue you in to what I am talking about. It works a lot like a foundation. I am happy for that because I can use it more for that this summer, but I really would like a simple tinted moisturizer that will cover, but I don't think I can get away with just that anymore. =(( We will see how my skin looks when I am tan. I don't need a lot of foundation. Like, I don't need to cake it on to get good coverage. But it still isn't a quick 5 minute face. I try to narrow down how long I take on my face since I iron my hair everyday. I redyed my hair yesterday but it's not like bleach blonde. It's a darker shade of blonde. Looks really natural and I get so many compliments on this color. I am gonna leave it go too till I am out in the sun and I am getting sunbleach highlights. Then I don't need to do anything to it at all. *Down you go, suffer long, down you go, sin make me strong--love this song too*... Anyways, I don't really know what else I feel like writing about, so I think I am gonna go grab my coolatta outta the fridge and drink that and read some magazines. To both of you, if you ever read this: I miss you. You both are better than this. Get better. *muah* Thanks for reading. PS- the Phillies season started tonight. They lost their first game. With Hamels on the mound. Oh well. They scored runs for them, so they are at least playing well. Ryan Howard fucked up of course, but hey, he's in midseason form with that. Go Phillies! I am seeing them on Friday at the home opener with KK pitching. Me and Matt's Buddy. Haha. Joy!

It's spring, why is there snow on the ground?

So I saw the place I am potentially moving to next month. I could spy on my Dad's computer right now and see what he told the realtor, but I actually want to be surprised with the good news when it is official. It is a townhouse with 2 bedrooms, a bathroom upstairs and a powder room downstairs. A washer/dryer *which I am in love with I must say* and a dishwasher. Haha, I am living the high life. After living in the apartment for 4 years with basically no amenities I am happy to be finally getting something and living somewhere I can finally call home. I mean, I didn't even have Oliver's ashes in these apartments because I never felt like they were home to me. I will have his ashes with me in this new place. I am thinking of throwing a housewarming party for a select few friends and family. I am looking forward to seeing who I will meet by the pool this summer. I have been volunteering some of my time with NAMI but my therapist thinks I should be getting paid for what I do, so I am still contemplating working. I think it would boost my self esteem. Not going straight into full time, but like 10 hours a week to start. And not in the morning, because I still have insomnia problems. But I don't want a night shift either, so I will figure it out. I do want to go back to working with the elderly because they really are wonderful people to work with. Well, most of them. I had like one case where I couldn't even be near the woman she was so out of her mind I was going to go out of my mind if I kept working with her. I have been walking almost everyday for an hour and I can see an improvement in my body. Today it snowed so I couldn't go outside and walk and I don't have my treadmill here... so... but tomorrow it will be in the 40s so I can go out. As for Matt... I can't unblock a number once it's been blocked in the Mr. Number app on my phone, so wherever he goes next I will talk to him. I hung out with Gail last week and talked with his dad and I am going to see them again probably Wednesday. Matt has tried to call me a few times, I think 3 or 4 in the past few days, but it always hangs up on him because of that app. I really do miss him, and I hope he gets the help he needs rather than wasting away in jail. He needs intensive therapy with people who know what they're doing and have seen this kind of problem with someone with a mental illness. I just hope it happens or he is going to learn nothing and come out and have nothing to show for the time he did. I am going to be his friend. He needs a friend right now. I don't plan on ever dating him again, or living with him, or really anyone else for that matter because of how fucked up people are, but I will be his friend. He will be a registered sex offender anyway, and I don't want the value of my property going down because of that. Like I said, take care of yourself... I am no one's savior and I don't want anyone trying to save me, so why should I be out trying to save the world? Really... shaking my head or smh. I just want to say here how awesome my whole family is and how glad I am I didn't choose drugs over them. My Mom is a great person and I am glad I have a better relationship with her now than I did say, 10 years ago. I am lucky to have these people in my life... We have had our differences but really, you need to be able to get along with your family and show them that you care about them. They are your family. Almost time for the Carrie Diaries. Thanks for reading!

cos i'm nutty nutty nutty for you...

I don't have much time as I have a dinner date at 7pm but I wanted to quick update this. I went to the shore yesterday and attempted to walk on the promenade... got thru 20 mins and I was in absolute hell cos of the bitter cold wind * no wonder I was the only idiot out there!* and so I went inside. But today when I got home after cleaning and organizing and watching the Phillies try to give up a win to the Orioles I went for a 3 mile walk and man did that feel good. I love just putting in my earbuds, turning on Pandora on my phone and just going. I don't even care at this point if I lose weight or what not, I want this for my mental health. I need to think shit out and work through it when I am out there, or inside on my treadmill that everyone wants to buy from me. It's not for sale and it's going in my spare bedroom in my new condo. This week I will know where I am going to be living next. I am hoping it's gwynedd club in north wales, because then I can go to the pool on days I don't have other shit to do and relax and get tan and talk to my neighbors and make friends. I like talking to random people, it's fun. It helps me. I don't want to be a therapist anymore tho, especially after all that happened in the past month cos face it, what the fuck do you say to someone who says to you "yeah, I am addicted to internet porn and I like to show little girls my genitalia"...??? I know I would be trained for that type of issue, but seriously I think my therapist now is the only one who has really helped me and I think it's because she has so much experience. She is 68, god bless her, and I hope she is around for a long time because she is the only one who has really pushed me and gotten thru to me. I have needed that ya know? Ugh, one downfall of walking so much is the hunger pains. Am I going to make it through the next 10 mins? HAHA. Anyways, so that is that, and that's my opinion of some shit. But I am happy to be getting out of that apartment. I can't even sleep in there I get so fucking anxious and worked up because seriously, who the fuck wants a gun in their face after there is all this banging on your bedroom door to get you the fuck up? FIRST THING I see... gun in my face... and I was like um, what the fuck? Did I do something? Then I saw Matt in cuffs when they pushed me out into the living room and told me they had a search warrant for the apartment. Wow. That was a lot to go thru in one fucking morning, then I read the affidavit and the fucking cops are so fucking worried I am pregnant... "are you okay? we don't want to stress you out..." Then don't fucking make me open my door to a gun!!! Assholes. I couldn't sleep at all for like the first week after that. I didn't eat anything for 4-5 days because I was so fucking messed up about this shit. Then all of a sudden food tasted so delicious to me... it was like what the fuck? And then I could eat again. Thank you chinese food from Tung's Garden in Plymouth Meeting. Then I was living on chicken fried rice for a while. Just give me the goddamn rice!!! Haha. Anyways, I am happy that part is over, and I don't want to jinx it but I have been sleeping a bit better. I haven't been taking the zanaflex every night to get to sleep, but I still have been falling asleep without it. I wake up about a million times and I am not dead to the world and I still need like 12 hours but I think my doctor did me some good with putting me on the Tegretol XR. It has helped my mood significantly and I think the fact I am on the right medications right now has helped me to deal with this better emotionally. But technically, it's not so bad because this isn't a borderline issue. Matt was my best friend. I didn't think of him as my lover which makes everything so much more complicated and stressful and I just hate my life when I am in a relationship with someone and I always ALWAYS end up hating them most of the time. It is about sex usually and that's why I keep them around till they go away. And I am so fucking grateful these idiot guys in my life went away. Best present you could ever have given me. But with Matt... it was a close friendship. He is my best friend. He would never have tried to hurt me in anyway, and I know this whole thing wasn't about hurting me. He knows how I felt about him and we were open and honest to each other, and I can honestly say I fucking love that kid. I think I have only ever loved one person and it took me about a year to admit I loved him. The rest was just infatuation and then fucking HATE and there's a thin line between love and hate so you mistake your hate for love. Do you follow me? J. was the only guy I ever loved. I don't think I ever hated him... he was funny and sweet and just different. He wasn't Italian either *Sorry Italian guys!*... he was Irish *happy st. patrick's day!* and just a good guy who went thru a lot of hell because he had a disease. I hope the best for him. My other serious boyfriends: if you know who they are: if you are one of them reading this: I hope they go fuck themselves. I hated you all most of the time... so goddamn annoying. I never hated Matt, and I never will hate Matt. He doesn't annoy the ever living piss out of me. I hope he gets the help he needs. I think he needs to be in a hospital for a year or two for intense one on one therapy. He needs to solve the issues in his head about his Mom dying so young and how it effected him mentally. He is stuck at a young age cos of it, and he wouldn't admit to being sad. He never really showed emotion except when he was manic, and even then it was just aggression. You never really knew what he was thinking. He was always so happy and joking around. You would have no idea he had these deep seeded emotional turmoil issues in his head. I hope he is okay in jail right now and I think he needed to go there first to get the shit scared out of him and to realize "THIS IS WRONG"... but I think he needs hospitalization for a long time like the dude in Silver Linings Playbook. Which I read but didn't see the movie. Won a bunch of Academy Awards. Matthew Quick is the author's name I think, which is interesting cos he is bipolar too. Bipolar disorder is such a complex illness. I don't think everyone who is diagnosed with it has it tho. I really don't. But that's a topic for another time. I am going to buy the new DSM-V when it comes out next month. I am interested in reading the different stuff that is new, cos I have one of the new things that is in it, but it's not that severe YET... It's skin picking. My ears are all fucked up from it. I don't think there is a cure for it. Oh well. I have been kinda OCD lately too, but I don't have OCD. Everyone has it to a point, but I am not having problems functioning in life because of it. So there mental illness... but if you are new to my blog and you are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me: I have bipolar 1 disorder and I have borderline personality disorder. When I feel like the bipolar is under control the borderline comes out. When I feel the borderline is under control the bipolar comes out and I can't function because the anxiety is so bad. Recently I was into the borderline side of me because of a guy. I liked him. I liked him a lot. But because of issues with Matt and shit I had to get away. And after what happened at his home last week I really need to get away from. And it's not because he is violent. I think it is because the way he looks at me I just get so drawn in and it was like that since the day I met him last July or August. I never thought anything would happen and then it did, and I got so caught up in it. I am going to miss him because I found him fascinating. He is really smart and just a beautiful man. And I love his kid. I fucking hate kids and I actually love his. But he is all sorts of fucked up too. I want to be alone. I like my life alone. I have friends and family and occasionally I see certain guys that are friends with benefits like my dear dear ****** who I will be seeing down the shore soon... Kept in touch with him through everything I went through these past couple years, and even tho and idiot loser *illiterate too* told me not to talk to him cos I didn't think it was right he was still talking to his married lover... I kept in touch anyway and talked to him while idiot loser was sleeping. But seriously, why would anyone be okay with your boyfriend/fiance talking to a married woman who is obsessed with you and writes you pathetic love letters. Check this shit out: psycho cunt wrote him a love letter and it was so entirely undeep and horribly stupid and just cheap... like had no substance. When I found it in my apartment and read it I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for leaving that behind. I like laughing at both of you. "ohhh, if things had been different maybe we could be together"... blah blah blah... I think I threw the letter out a long with a bunch of his other shit he left behind. But I really REALLY don't give a fuck about him anymore. He was so annoying and such a loser... I miss Matt so much. He is my best friend and I know he would be laughing so much at the fact we are seeing our buddy KK *Kyle Kendrick* on opening day at Citizens Bank Park. Our buddy. Haha. I am taking Matt's stepsister Gail. She is my buddy. I love her to death and love spending time with her. I haven't seen her in a few weeks but hopefully I will sometime this week. Anyways, time to go. Thanks for reading.

my morning sun is the drug that brings me near, to the childhood i lost replaced by fear...

So I just sent my aunt an email about what is going on and how I am feeling, and I am going to sum it up here. I want Matt to get the help he needs and has needed for 15 years. The Matt I know wouldn't do anything that he feels is wrong or would hurt anybody. He is a very law abiding citizen, and I know that this is something just straight out weird. Goddamn I am getting carpal tunnel from just typing at my Dad's desk on his amazing computer. Anyways, so I have developed a rash from the stress of everything and I got sick from it as well. I am going to go to the doctor about the rash again on Tuesday. They don't want to prescribe stuff to me a lot of the time because of my history and it is what it is, so I deal. This wrist thing is really bothering me, so I am sorry that this is going to be short, and I may update later when I am down the shore or on my phone down there. I am okay mentally though. I think because my medications are right and I have some true faith in my doctor. He is brilliant, and I don't think he would fuck me over like my horrible doctor last year. But anyway, so I am going to the home opener of the Phillies with my buddy Gail. I was supposed to go with Matt and I am resigned to the fact I won't be going to as many Phillies games as I would have liked to this year, but neither will he. I hope to get to at least 5 or 6. I am excited for the home opener and I really hope they win, but I will probably be seeing Kyle Kendrick AGAIN... although for some reason I have been finding him oddly attractive. I am weird I know. As for that whole other thing I mentioned that Matt kind of ended for me, well at this point I am glad it is over. It needed to be done with. That guy hurt me and he didn't care that he did it. I needed to get away from him but he was just so... charming. But thank you Matt for not knowing you helped me, but helping me in a way that I needed. I needed to escape something that I was doing to myself. I owe Matt my life. He saved it last year... I want to help him. I have blocked his calls for now, and I don't know when I will see him. But I want him to get help. I hope he gets help. This just is not like him at all... I miss him, and I will be there for him in however way I can. He is my best friend, and he has never EVER tried to hurt me unlike some people I forgave over and over again. He is a good person and like I said, this is just not like him. My wrist is in beyond pain at this point, so I think I am going to give up the typing for now. Thanks for reading. Oh yeah and one other thing: I am finally moving! Don't have a date yet or anything like that, but next week when my Dad is off from school for spring break he is going to look at the places he is thinking of getting for me. My lease is up next month, so perfect timing! Badabing badaboom!

You seem to think that you can save me save me...

So tomorrow it will be a year since my wonderful and beautiful aunt Annie passed away from brain and lung cancer... the one thing no there are multiple things I wish I had done with her that I never got to do...I do remember shooting the shit with her on my aunt Carol's front porch on an Easter Sunday talking about how we wanted to go to Amsterdam... little Amsterdam... in a southern town...I had a clue at the time that she smoked but I wasn't positive.. I smoked at the time but I didn't tell anyone in my family ...anyway so last summer when I saw my cousin heather she told me my aunt was still smoking the gang a till she was in the hospital and you know what? I totally support that...I think it helps everything... fuck Reagan for saying that it is the most dangerous drug in the world... what the fuck? You are the stupidest motherfucker in the world for ever saying that...I wish I could move to Colorado just so I could get help legally and smoke it and feel good... but anyways this post isn't about weed...its going to be about a lot of things... Annie was a beautiful woman...she had a rough life and a lot of things in my life mirror hers and I have learned from some of the shit she has gone through... I need my family...my cousins... I love my cousins heather and danny... you guys are the shit...you are my blood my core...
so shit has gotten real the past few days...I have been having issues sleeping because I have gotten paranoid because of the way the attorney general burst into my apartment and woke me up with their gun drawn and in my face...I love how my mom actsl like telling people about it will get it out of my head...well it fucking won't...lord help me...I am in therapy getting the help I need before shit gets worse...my addictions are coming out but I don't know what to do to get a grip on them at this point...I really don't think I can worry about that...I need to get thru...just trying to get thru...if I see matt I swear I will beat him to a bloody pulp and with my words will tear him a new asshole that will hurt even more than the one he will get raped in jail when they tell him to squeal like a pig boy!  Just wait till the shit I tell u matt about what I did...and the shit I am gonna do to u while u are gone...u think u hurt now...u are gonna wish u never lived... trust me... since I was 13 Ohhhh the age of the girls u like...anyway since I was that age people have told me they don't ever want to be on my bad side...well guess what...fucking little girls...well that's on my bad side...doing it in my apartment...that's on my bad side... trying to marry me...trying to get me into that shit... trying to bring that into a house my dad would buy for us? Ohhhh you fucked up... you are left with nothing and no one... saying you are going to dinner with my family on Thanksgiving but then you could stuff the 13 year old? Fuck you... you know what? Fuck you... you know what else? Fuck you? I want your balls smashed eat shit bastard...you acted like my asshole ex should be crucified for punching me in the face... yeah that was fucked up but this is a million times worse... this is a betrayal behind my back...and you acted like it was because I wasn't attracted to u...well maybe if you got off you fat ass and stopped drinking a gallon of milk a day and maybe walked on my treadmill... try... now you have no choice... now you can look good for your boyfriend Bubba in prison... fuck you for doing this fuck you fuck you fuck you...
I cannot shake the taste of blood of blood in my mouth ive come to think that its all good and all over now you seem to think that you can save me save me because I'm trying to get thru...
Yeah so I butchered them but u get the point...I am just trying to get thru without another trip to the clinic or rehab or something special...

I love you aunt Annie... I miss you...I know you would tell me to fuck men...to do what I want and that I could do what I want... I wish I could have had that convo with you last year after loser left... I don't even really remember why now tho... but anyway I will always remember you...
I don't know what else to say...

A thought...

What if someone came into your life and promised you the world and gave you everything? Then took it away...all away in a matter of moments? Would you forgive them? Would you be devastated? Of course you would... it's ingrained in human nature to fuck up... but why must we take down others? Others we claimed to care about? Because there's no such thing as caring... there's no such thing as love... there's no such thing as counting on someone... everything is just a stage... so you can dance and act like its all so peachy fucking keen... nothing exists...you don't exist...I don't exist... you are a blurb. A figment of others imaginations. And when they don't want you there anymore? Poof. You are gone...

I dont love you, you dont love me, but i can imagine...

So I am all sorts of fucked up about matt right now...he is in jail for child pornography... I never knew he was into that and I can't believe he would be that stupid as to lose everything... fuck you Matt... but that's not all... it has ruined something else for me that has been fucking with my head too... I don't get it...I am so lost and confused about everything and everyone right now... I can't trust anyone or anything or even myself because I always tend to make the wrong decision... but I talked to my friend tonight and poured my heart out with the help of some happy pills and he reminded me that he told me a month ago to stay away from this guy but it is so hard...his eyes...look in my eyes... you're killing me killing me...and ohmigod is it good with him...but its over just as everything else that was going good is over... he will go back to chasing his ex...and I am moving on...besides I knee nothing would come of it cos it really couldn't and also I said in the beginning that I would never want to put him thru the torture of being with me... goodbye matt... I'll miss u and I am having nightmares about what they will do to u in jail...you're fucked... I loved u...u loved me...I didn't imagine... dunzo... so sad...