when will you wake up? I want you more than the stars and the sun...

I had this song in my head when I woke up and now as I was trying to sleep I had it in my head again. I have been having a lot of dreams about that guy that I had to kinda was forced to end things with. But I am hopeful that maybe someday something will happen again, but right now he needs to get his shit together... Anyways, I saw Matt today at the Montgomery County Correctional Facility. He looked a lot better than I expected him to look. He had just gotten a hair cut and had shaved and he has lost at least 20 lbs. He said 10 in his letter, but it's gotta be at least 20 by now. I am not happy with how they are treating him, but he hasn't been complaining about that at all. I think he feels he deserves it. No one deserves this kind of treatment. Especially from assholes that just work there. And most of the idiots working these facilities are the scum of the earth. He doesn't need this kind of shit. Matt has been an underdog his whole life. He deserves something to go right. And yes, I understand what he did was horribly wrong, but he is in the wrong place. He needs to be in a mental health facility. He needs help and deserves to get help. His family and me and my family all deserve to see him get better as well. But yeah we got to talk a little about baseball. I miss him so much and just shooting the shit with him about baseball. I am gonna delete the app that blocked his number and see if I can redownload it without it adding the number back on to block. I shot my love today... would you cry for me? I lost my head again... would you lie for me? This song came on Pandora. I started a new account for my Dad on his computer. I just can't bring myself to use my computer yet. I haven't opened it since all this shit went down on February 21. I don't know what's wrong with me. I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon. It's for an elder care agency. If I get into it, I do. If I don't, I don't. No harm no foul. I will still have my disability money. And I can always calls the OVR. They are supposed to help with this stuff. It's funny when I was laying in bed trying to sleep I had a million thoughts flying in my head and now that I am sitting here writing, I am having trouble trying to remember them. Ain't nobody got time for that! I am moving into the Gwynedd Club in a few weeks. My Dad hasn't told me a settlement date yet. But we told Kyle this morning that I am going to be out of Pleasant Grove by May 1. I plan on going up there to pack again in the next few days. I just gotta do the closet in the living room hallway and the kitchen mostly. I need to clear off my vanity too. I also need to pack my shit up that is here, but I will do that when I am ready to start living at my new home. Home. What a beautiful word. Haha. Most of the time I think that word and think of tripping. I forget why we always called it coming home... I haven't tripped in like 10 years and I don't plan on doing it ever again unless someone like spikes my drink with Nyquil or something, but I think I would notice that. Yesterday was Easter Sunday. I had a fun brunch with my parent's, my Aunt Alice and my Aunt Carol and Uncle Warren. Everyone was drinking at breakfast and I really have a fun time when my parent's are lit. They are oblivious that they are and that they are so loosened up. They just get so much friendlier. I wonder if I was like that. Too bad I couldn't control my drinking. It doesn't bother me when other people drink at all. Some people get so upset when people are shit face wasted, but I really don't care. As long as you're not driving somewhere and you don't try to get me to drink, that's your business. But I also don't want shit for doing what I enjoy fun and relaxing that would be considered unsober. I respect you, you respect me. Kapish? Is that how you spell that? Haha. I don't even know. Aw, I love this fucking song so much. Nutshell by Alice in Chains. "We chase misprinted lies We face the path of time And yet I fight And yet I fight This battle all alone No one to cry to No place to call home My gift of self is raped My privacy is raked And yet I find And yet I find Repeating in my head If I can't be my own I'd feel better dead " Sorry for the depressing lyrics, but like Kurt Cobain says in his final message to world: "Things have never been so swell, I have never failed to feel... pain." No matter how happy and good I feel, I am still so sad and lonely and depressed. And when I come down from a particularly good time in my head I have a nasty spill. It's just bad. But I try to cope. I try not to get into too dark and deep a hole where I can't dig myself out. But sometimes you just gotta cry. I haven't hurt myself in a little over a month. I am trying really hard not to. Almost did last night, and well, I kinda did, but because it wasn't the normal method for me I don't count it. Maybe I am just in denial. Who knows? Maybe I am just in denial about everything. Maybe my life is one big denial. Deny deny deny. Maybe I am not as good and feeling as great as I say I am and that's why I do half the shit I do, but hey listen... if I am getting by and getting shit done day by day and not living in my bed and actually am out there, then it's gotta be better than it has been in the past, right? I really didn't even want to work on my resume today. I just wanted to lay in bed. I got done a lot of shit tho even tho I didn't really put much effort into that. Then my Mom was pushing me into doing some other thing to help my mental health and it's like, I don't want to be nonstop going. Going from nothing to nonstop activity is not my life's goal. 10 hours a week with work is good enough for me. I need to move ya know? That's gonna take time. I want to enjoy doing stuff at my new home, and I want to read read read. And I want to cook and learn new recipes and shit. I want to just be. No, I don't have Matt right now *in the physical sense* but I am not completely lost. Will I be going to as many Phillies games this year? Probably not. But I am going to go to a few at least. I will have a pool to hang around on the weekend. I want to see my family more, because family has become so important to me. I want to do stuff. But I don't want to be up at the buttcrack of dawn or 900am everyday. I like to sleep in because I can't fall asleep most nights. Like tonight... it's almost 2am. I went to bed at 11pm and couldn't fall asleep so I decided to write a blog after tossing and turning for 2 hours. I still wonder and try to figure out every single day what happened to me that caused me not to be able to sleep. To have such an issue. It just doesn't make sense. I think tonight is going to be one of those completely sleepless nights which is unfortunate since I have to go to the job interview, but oh well. I also think it's funny how so many people tell me to stay away from caffeine... today I didn't have any and today is the day I can't fall asleep. I bought a coffee coolatta with a shot of espresso but I didn't drink any of it. Maybe if I drink it now... haha. Anyways, so I am thinking of making an appointment with a dermatologist for the sun damage on my face and to make sure I don't have any skin cancers anywhere on my body that I don't see. I am pleased with my Philosophy Hope in a Jar cream because it really has helped with the exfoliation is does and makes my skin appear smoother. I also am using an Anew by Avon facewash that works really well with the Hope in a Jar. I got the Smashbox CC Cream that they just came out with last week. Well, at the stores that is. Sephora stores. It was available online but it wasn't in stores yet to clue you in to what I am talking about. It works a lot like a foundation. I am happy for that because I can use it more for that this summer, but I really would like a simple tinted moisturizer that will cover, but I don't think I can get away with just that anymore. =(( We will see how my skin looks when I am tan. I don't need a lot of foundation. Like, I don't need to cake it on to get good coverage. But it still isn't a quick 5 minute face. I try to narrow down how long I take on my face since I iron my hair everyday. I redyed my hair yesterday but it's not like bleach blonde. It's a darker shade of blonde. Looks really natural and I get so many compliments on this color. I am gonna leave it go too till I am out in the sun and I am getting sunbleach highlights. Then I don't need to do anything to it at all. *Down you go, suffer long, down you go, sin make me strong--love this song too*... Anyways, I don't really know what else I feel like writing about, so I think I am gonna go grab my coolatta outta the fridge and drink that and read some magazines. To both of you, if you ever read this: I miss you. You both are better than this. Get better. *muah* Thanks for reading. PS- the Phillies season started tonight. They lost their first game. With Hamels on the mound. Oh well. They scored runs for them, so they are at least playing well. Ryan Howard fucked up of course, but hey, he's in midseason form with that. Go Phillies! I am seeing them on Friday at the home opener with KK pitching. Me and Matt's Buddy. Haha. Joy!

cos i'm nutty nutty nutty for you...

I don't have much time as I have a dinner date at 7pm but I wanted to quick update this. I went to the shore yesterday and attempted to walk on the promenade... got thru 20 mins and I was in absolute hell cos of the bitter cold wind * no wonder I was the only idiot out there!* and so I went inside. But today when I got home after cleaning and organizing and watching the Phillies try to give up a win to the Orioles I went for a 3 mile walk and man did that feel good. I love just putting in my earbuds, turning on Pandora on my phone and just going. I don't even care at this point if I lose weight or what not, I want this for my mental health. I need to think shit out and work through it when I am out there, or inside on my treadmill that everyone wants to buy from me. It's not for sale and it's going in my spare bedroom in my new condo. This week I will know where I am going to be living next. I am hoping it's gwynedd club in north wales, because then I can go to the pool on days I don't have other shit to do and relax and get tan and talk to my neighbors and make friends. I like talking to random people, it's fun. It helps me. I don't want to be a therapist anymore tho, especially after all that happened in the past month cos face it, what the fuck do you say to someone who says to you "yeah, I am addicted to internet porn and I like to show little girls my genitalia"...??? I know I would be trained for that type of issue, but seriously I think my therapist now is the only one who has really helped me and I think it's because she has so much experience. She is 68, god bless her, and I hope she is around for a long time because she is the only one who has really pushed me and gotten thru to me. I have needed that ya know? Ugh, one downfall of walking so much is the hunger pains. Am I going to make it through the next 10 mins? HAHA. Anyways, so that is that, and that's my opinion of some shit. But I am happy to be getting out of that apartment. I can't even sleep in there I get so fucking anxious and worked up because seriously, who the fuck wants a gun in their face after there is all this banging on your bedroom door to get you the fuck up? FIRST THING I see... gun in my face... and I was like um, what the fuck? Did I do something? Then I saw Matt in cuffs when they pushed me out into the living room and told me they had a search warrant for the apartment. Wow. That was a lot to go thru in one fucking morning, then I read the affidavit and the fucking cops are so fucking worried I am pregnant... "are you okay? we don't want to stress you out..." Then don't fucking make me open my door to a gun!!! Assholes. I couldn't sleep at all for like the first week after that. I didn't eat anything for 4-5 days because I was so fucking messed up about this shit. Then all of a sudden food tasted so delicious to me... it was like what the fuck? And then I could eat again. Thank you chinese food from Tung's Garden in Plymouth Meeting. Then I was living on chicken fried rice for a while. Just give me the goddamn rice!!! Haha. Anyways, I am happy that part is over, and I don't want to jinx it but I have been sleeping a bit better. I haven't been taking the zanaflex every night to get to sleep, but I still have been falling asleep without it. I wake up about a million times and I am not dead to the world and I still need like 12 hours but I think my doctor did me some good with putting me on the Tegretol XR. It has helped my mood significantly and I think the fact I am on the right medications right now has helped me to deal with this better emotionally. But technically, it's not so bad because this isn't a borderline issue. Matt was my best friend. I didn't think of him as my lover which makes everything so much more complicated and stressful and I just hate my life when I am in a relationship with someone and I always ALWAYS end up hating them most of the time. It is about sex usually and that's why I keep them around till they go away. And I am so fucking grateful these idiot guys in my life went away. Best present you could ever have given me. But with Matt... it was a close friendship. He is my best friend. He would never have tried to hurt me in anyway, and I know this whole thing wasn't about hurting me. He knows how I felt about him and we were open and honest to each other, and I can honestly say I fucking love that kid. I think I have only ever loved one person and it took me about a year to admit I loved him. The rest was just infatuation and then fucking HATE and there's a thin line between love and hate so you mistake your hate for love. Do you follow me? J. was the only guy I ever loved. I don't think I ever hated him... he was funny and sweet and just different. He wasn't Italian either *Sorry Italian guys!*... he was Irish *happy st. patrick's day!* and just a good guy who went thru a lot of hell because he had a disease. I hope the best for him. My other serious boyfriends: if you know who they are: if you are one of them reading this: I hope they go fuck themselves. I hated you all most of the time... so goddamn annoying. I never hated Matt, and I never will hate Matt. He doesn't annoy the ever living piss out of me. I hope he gets the help he needs. I think he needs to be in a hospital for a year or two for intense one on one therapy. He needs to solve the issues in his head about his Mom dying so young and how it effected him mentally. He is stuck at a young age cos of it, and he wouldn't admit to being sad. He never really showed emotion except when he was manic, and even then it was just aggression. You never really knew what he was thinking. He was always so happy and joking around. You would have no idea he had these deep seeded emotional turmoil issues in his head. I hope he is okay in jail right now and I think he needed to go there first to get the shit scared out of him and to realize "THIS IS WRONG"... but I think he needs hospitalization for a long time like the dude in Silver Linings Playbook. Which I read but didn't see the movie. Won a bunch of Academy Awards. Matthew Quick is the author's name I think, which is interesting cos he is bipolar too. Bipolar disorder is such a complex illness. I don't think everyone who is diagnosed with it has it tho. I really don't. But that's a topic for another time. I am going to buy the new DSM-V when it comes out next month. I am interested in reading the different stuff that is new, cos I have one of the new things that is in it, but it's not that severe YET... It's skin picking. My ears are all fucked up from it. I don't think there is a cure for it. Oh well. I have been kinda OCD lately too, but I don't have OCD. Everyone has it to a point, but I am not having problems functioning in life because of it. So there mental illness... but if you are new to my blog and you are wondering what the fuck is wrong with me: I have bipolar 1 disorder and I have borderline personality disorder. When I feel like the bipolar is under control the borderline comes out. When I feel the borderline is under control the bipolar comes out and I can't function because the anxiety is so bad. Recently I was into the borderline side of me because of a guy. I liked him. I liked him a lot. But because of issues with Matt and shit I had to get away. And after what happened at his home last week I really need to get away from. And it's not because he is violent. I think it is because the way he looks at me I just get so drawn in and it was like that since the day I met him last July or August. I never thought anything would happen and then it did, and I got so caught up in it. I am going to miss him because I found him fascinating. He is really smart and just a beautiful man. And I love his kid. I fucking hate kids and I actually love his. But he is all sorts of fucked up too. I want to be alone. I like my life alone. I have friends and family and occasionally I see certain guys that are friends with benefits like my dear dear ****** who I will be seeing down the shore soon... Kept in touch with him through everything I went through these past couple years, and even tho and idiot loser *illiterate too* told me not to talk to him cos I didn't think it was right he was still talking to his married lover... I kept in touch anyway and talked to him while idiot loser was sleeping. But seriously, why would anyone be okay with your boyfriend/fiance talking to a married woman who is obsessed with you and writes you pathetic love letters. Check this shit out: psycho cunt wrote him a love letter and it was so entirely undeep and horribly stupid and just cheap... like had no substance. When I found it in my apartment and read it I literally laughed out loud. Thanks for leaving that behind. I like laughing at both of you. "ohhh, if things had been different maybe we could be together"... blah blah blah... I think I threw the letter out a long with a bunch of his other shit he left behind. But I really REALLY don't give a fuck about him anymore. He was so annoying and such a loser... I miss Matt so much. He is my best friend and I know he would be laughing so much at the fact we are seeing our buddy KK *Kyle Kendrick* on opening day at Citizens Bank Park. Our buddy. Haha. I am taking Matt's stepsister Gail. She is my buddy. I love her to death and love spending time with her. I haven't seen her in a few weeks but hopefully I will sometime this week. Anyways, time to go. Thanks for reading.